Holly's Head Space

WTH

2011-03-24T19:24:00.004-05:00

Ok, so i don't know what's up with my blog....but Reflexive left me a comment, it was emailed to me...only its not here! wth? then all the blogs i was following...are not showing up!

sheesh. blogger must hate me!

well, If there was any doubt as to why i am feeling like a big fat cow, its all the sweets i am consuming!!! I really noticed it once i started writing things down! YIKES! Ice cream is my biggest problem...that and if i get too hungry, i will eat anything i can easily get into my mouth!!!

Easter candy isn't helping either. I have a big weakness for peanutbutter and chocolate! that's everywhere this time of year! I am hoping that i can have a 'normal' week next week and start doing some exercising!

I am looking forward to a nice day at home with hub tomorrow....he's off work and the kids will be at school! yippee!

Welcome back

2011-03-19T16:31:00.005-05:00

Well here we go again! maybe....

If you're still out there..holler so i know you're around!

I am alive and well. Being 'back' here makes me wonder how all the long lost blogger peeps are. I'll never know I guess. That's the good/bad thing about blogging. It's anonymous and it isn't. You feel like it is, but then people find out and you get "busted" and have to leave the blogsphere and I never know what happened to ya! The blogs come down and you go on with your REAL LIFE and I always wonder what the heck happened to you! Maybe that's why I never have taken my blog down. I like to humor myself into thinking someone out there wonders on occasion what's happened to Holly and how she's doing. I wonder about Sage, and Coquette and others. I still pop in on occasion and check out some of you just to make sure you're still kicking {I promise I do!}

Well I think i might start this blog back up simply because I need a place to be "me" and I am not ready to air my dirty laundry and most secret feelings to the REAL WORLD yet.

So here's the catch up.....

I am blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing husband in the world. Do we still have problems, heck yes! {who doesn't?} He has been to hell, through it, and back with me and because of me. Yet, miraculously he is still by my side and still loves me! I have two healthy, amazing children who love me. I have a close group of good friends and family who love me. I have the BEST, best friend in all the world. She knows my dark side and loves me anyway. She's even brave enough to tell me when i am being an idiot! When i am mad and upset with my amazing hub, she even reminds me why I love him and why he is the most amazing man and that no one else in the whole world would put up with me and my crap! That right there is a good friend my peeps!

I don't know if you're new here or are perhaps someone who's an "old" reader who's wandered by because you thought you'd check in...but I would like to say "welcome" to my little space in the blogsphere. Sometimes it's dark here, and it is whiney and sometimes it's just me droning on to hear myself think. On occasion it might be a little bit sexy, perhaps inspiring or it just may suck. I don't know yet. I just know that today i wanted to start a blog about where I am now and where i want to be and i figured this space was as good as any! If you are looking for a little recap this is the best i can offer you.

So as i have said before in this blog, I struggle with weight issues. I am now probablly heavier than i was when i wrote that post, but I am scared to hop on the scales to find out. I have been inspired recently by some blogs by other fat girls or previously fat girls and at the age of 37, {really when did i get so old?} I have decided to do something about it again! Hopefully this time for good! My cousin is getting married in about 2 months and my family is going to see the Mouse in Florida at Christmas and I want to feel better before either of those things happen. I just went away with my girlfriends and bought new athletic shoes and sports bras...really, what am i waiting for?

Here are my immediate goals:

1. Cut myself down to 3 diet sodas a day {trust me i am currently consuming MUCH more}

2. Drink more {any?} water!

3. Keep a daily food log of WHAT and WHEN I am eating!

That's it....that's all I am going to do this week! small steps! they add up! Stating it off tomorrow! wish me luck and check back for my progress!

xoxox

Holly

whine, bitch and moan

2010-07-24T16:58:00.003-05:00

can you just wake up one day and be bi-polar? After years of just garden variety depression, can you wake up one day and realize that you are in fact...perhaps...bi-polar? and if you ARE bi-polar...are you even sane enough to realize it?

these are the thoughts I am pondering at the moment. Grab a cuppa and i'll tell you why....

(riveted aren't you? I thought so)

so for the past several weeks, however long since my last post, plus a bit...i have been spiraling down lower and lower. the drop left me on day actually having to FORCE myself out of bed...not to carry on with life, but because my Mother was coming over to go 'with us' swimming and it seemed less painful to fake it for a few hours than to stay in bed and TRY to explain why i was there. Got up, got ready....as ready as you need to haul your ass and two kids to the pool for a few hours....found myself laying by the pool, cleverly disguised as a mom who was catching some rays...but inside; I was a mess. I was silently crying behind my shades, and "woke up" from a daze several times realizing that i hadn't been breathing. Now, maybe i am nuts, but i wasn't aware you had to think about breathing...i thought the brain took care of that itself.

That day seemed to be the bottom of the pit. Short of hauling it to the store for razor blades, which just frankly seemed like too much work, I really couldn't and didn't get any lower.

A few days later....i seemed back to my "normal" self. The past three days i was ...well, manic seems perhaps too strong a word...but way up for me. Totally kickin' it, getting things done. full of energy and creativity.

Today...bleh. headed back down in that pit. All i can think is WTF!??!

And YES, i am medicated, and yes, i am taking the pills. I can't find anything especially to trigger either spiral (up or down). WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? So today i am wondering if NOW, i might be bi-polar. Is that even possible?

Back from bliss...

2010-06-28T10:20:00.004-05:00

So, when i am safe and whole and sane...i don't hang around here much. I don't need the outlet.

But, when i get down and cracked and broken; hungry for more and needy....I come back. Its like a drug I guess. Maybe it is just easier for me to type these days than to drag out a pen and my journal.

Whatever.

I am just down. In a funk. Needy. Not sure why.

ok, that's sort of a lie. I do have an idea, several ideas as to why. I just got back from 12 days of vacation, with my kids, and my parents. love them all, but that many days and no alone time...makes me wonky. If i did get alone time i felt guilty about it. I've decided 'family' vacation is not really a vacation for me. Also, for much of that time, I wasn't sleeping well due to the beds or to the lack of my Hub in one with me. sleeping arrangements were not at optimal for me.

Now we are back and i am trying to find my groove again. Summer throws me off kilter. the kids are home, there is no schedule. chaos is the order of the days.

and i am feeling very fat. I am sure i gained some weight on vacation. i am terrified to hop on the scale and see how much. i feel like jobba the hutt! I am irritable and moody and horny! i want to sleep all day and fuck all night. My sweet loving kids are annoying the hell out of me! I want to eat ice cream and slit my wrists. great combo, huh?

There is so much i NEED to do...and so little i WANT to do. and yes, i am taking my meds thankyouverymuch!

I want to scream and cry and be swept up and cuddled like a cranky baby. Only I am not a baby. I am a grown woman with responsibilities and duties. I am in what i call survival mode. I do what i have to do to be functional. I show up, fain fun, and then sink back in to a dark abyss.

I have been really well for a long time. Now......

well now I just don't know what I am. I get up, tend to the kidlets, play at keeping house (luckily my hub is lenient about his castle being spotless and his dinner being hot and ready). I got to the store, i get groceries. I show up when invited, etc. But the joy is gone. I don't WANT to do any of it. I want to not bathe, stay in my yoga pants and T shirt that i wore yesterday and slept in and just sleep...and eat ice cream. And yet...I get cranky when the Hub doesn't want to make crazy monkey love to me??? seriously. I wouldn't even want to come home at night if i were him.

I made a list yesterday of the things i think i need to do. Things that need to get done or things that i think would help me. but .... i can't seem to make myself get my ass in gear. sigh.

Just needed to vent. It is after all, my head space.

holly

what's the back story...

2010-01-13T17:31:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to say that if you stumble across this blog and haven't had the "joy" {lol} of being here from the beginning....the back story is missing.

sorry.

if you are like me, and i am sure someone is, you like to go back to the beginning and read the whole story.

I deleted it. If you read the post below, maybe you will understand why. Maybe not. Sometimes i wish it was still there, for me, but I deleted it, much like i do everything with much passion! lol.

I left a VERY few things behind, but most of what i left won't tell you much. I recapped the highlights below.

I think I am done posting here.

I like that last post, so i don't know if i will delete the blog or leave it here. If you stop by, let me know what you think. Should it stay or should it go now?

xoxxox

holly

holly?

2009-11-17T15:27:00.001-06:00

How did holly come to be?

Well, I have been thinking about my life and where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I got “here”. The past 4 years of my life would make a great mini-series or after school movie.
Once upon a time there was a wife, a husband, a little boy and a baby. They were all very happy until…..
*Queue the dramatic crescendo of music*
We put our house up for sale. We started looking for a new one. We finally sold our house, moved in with my parents and waited on our new home to be finished.
Sounds simple enough. Praise God that we had a place to go; that we weren’t homeless; that my parents were able to take us in. But somehow, someway that affected me. Maybe I felt like a teenager again living at home? Maybe I totally lost my identity because suddenly I wasn’t the Matron of the household any longer? I am really not sure, but I think that is where it started. Seeds had already been planted that now grew like Jack’s magic bean stalk.
There are a million things I could have done, maybe even should have done, but what I did do was spend a lot of time online trying to escape the life I was living.
It wasn’t that my parents were evil or unkind or unloving…I just snapped. I wanted out, but not really. Not like pack my bags, “go out for ice cream’ and never come back. Just to be someone different than who I was right then.
Time passed, I got deeper and deeper into life online. I even had a spread sheet of sorts at one point to keep up with all the “men” I was talking to. K knew what was going on. The only thing I credit myself for in all this is that I was always honest with him. I never hid things from him.
Eventually we moved into our new home. By this time I was so far in, that not only was I talking to men online, I was talking to them on the phone. (If I had been charging for my services, I could have made a little pocket money) I was in deep. One thing led to another and I begin to find the online BDSM community, and then the real life local one. I was hooked. I thought I had found the missing piece of my life.
There is one thing that you can say about me, and Holly: we are passionate. We jump in with both feet and never look back, or around, or forward. We just jump! (David Lee Roth would be so proud) I read and chatted, and asked questions. I had a few “online” D/s relationships. I was so hungry for it. I begged K to get on board. I threatened to “get what I needed” elsewhere if he wouldn’t support me. I acted like a two year old. I was consumed.
Time passed. K got more or less on board. I met M, a local Dom who was single and willing to work with “us”. That turned into more “me” than “us”, but we coasted along. K and I started attending the local BDSM group. We learned some things, met people…more people for ME to get involved with.
By this point, weather she had a name or not, Holly was running wild both online and in real life. She was passionate about men who cared very little for her. She gave her heart and soul to men who didn’t love her. She gave her time, her body; she was consumed.
Then the problems at home really started. I had been going to therapy for a while. K started going. We started going together. I knew that what I was doing needed to stop but I just wouldn’t give it up. I was too selfish. It was an addiction without a 12 step program. I am really good at justifying things.
Just after giving me a collar at Christmas 2 years ago, M met a woman and fell head over heels in love with her. By February he was telling me that we could only be friends. My heart was literally broken. Only three men in my life have ever hurt me so much. I was completely devastated. I think this was the beginning of the end.
Things went “downhill” from there. I tried to get involved with other men, but I had too much “baggage”, i.e. a husband who loved me and who I loved, and yet the need to be loved and wanted by another man.
I put myself out there and played with and got emotionally hurt by a few other men, and then one day I quit fighting. I did what I knew I needed to do all along. I started ‘disappearing”.
I deleted my fetlife and mydungeonspace accounts. We quit attending local events. I stepped away from blogging, or whining whichever you’d like to call it. I started to focus on what I actually had in my life instead of what I thought I was lacking. Weeks turned into months and I was amazed that NO ONE from the life I thought I so desperately needed had even bothered to notice that I was gone. Or if they did, they didn’t bother to contact me and see what was up or even say “hi”. I even posted on the MB for our local group….you could hear the crickets. It was like I hadn’t even existed.
Eventually I became disgusted with my past behavior. I started deleting old blogs. I didn’t want to be able to “romanticize” my insanity. I do have a fondness for the macabre and insane……..
It has been almost a year now since I really stepped back. K and I are happy. Happier than we have been in a long time. We still “play” on occasion. We’ve invested a lot of money into toys…hehehe. I still have D/s fantasies and I still love pain, but I realize it is not a ‘way of life’ for me. I am more bedroom kinky than lifestyle kinky. The idea of a weekend of D/s appeals to me, but hardcore 24/7, not so much.
There are days when I want to “jump” back in, and then I realize I am romanticizing the past, and I force myself to remember all the heartache and bad pain that was the reality. I know I am where God wants me. I know that He will be able to use what I have been through for good in His own time and in His own way. I have confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. I have also learned that I am not the only deviant in the congregation and there is love and acceptance for all. I am very blessed in my church family and in the friendships that God has allowed me there. No one is holier than thou, we are all sinners and all need God’s grace and redemption. I am resting in His arms until I am strong enough to stand and do the work He has for me.

Autumn greetings

2009-10-17T22:59:00.004-05:00

There are times when you reflect on the past year. The fall seems to be that for me.

Wow. It has been a long time since i've relied on this space to vent or to give me what i need. I feel a bit like a ghost. It is almost as if Holly doesn't exist anymore.

except , she does.

she's still there. i ignore her most of the time. She really gets me in trouble. She makes me hurt. She makes people i love hurt. She fucks things up. She's my doppelganger.

She still wants to see OKB (one knotty boy)....she knows that would hurt her. Even thinking about him hurts. She is certain that he does not think of her. She was nothing to him. Not even a friend really. A flavor of the week. a quickly passing fancy. That's it. forgotten. shrug. reality hurts.

There are days...usually when its quiet at home....that i let my mind drift away from reality. Away from responsibility. Away from "real life". I still dream of all the kinky little things that really turn me on.....but now, when i do, I am haunted by the fact that reality is NOT like my fantasies. Not to mention, trying to make my fantasies a reality is insane and hurtful.

i am actually doing very well, if you were wondering.

life is full of family and friends and plenty of creativity these days. I am focusing on more than my sex drive and the wild imagination that fuels it.

xoxoxoxo

holly

not DOA

2009-09-28T13:11:00.003-05:00

i know you have surely written me off as dead.
I am not. I am living in the real world right now. A world that keeps me busy with things other than blogging.

I hope you are all well.
K. and i have stepped back a bit and redirected our relationship. Closed it off a bit where it was once more of an open or revolving door. things are good. I am happier actually now.

happy fall!

xoxo
holly

note

2009-07-30T15:56:00.001-05:00

Ok, so i am alive.
I am kickin'
and real life has me too busy to be postin' here much at all. I guess you may have noticed that much on your own.

just wanted to say hi...and that perhaps once school starts back, i'll be around here more. Being a full time cruise director is well....a full time job, so no blogs here.

xoxo
holly

my name is holly....

2009-07-03T09:14:00.003-05:00

HI

my name is Holly

i weight 235 pounds and i don't quite know how that happened.

obviously i should exercise and quit eating.

but i am addicted to food.

it is my comfort.

it is where i turn to make me feel better.

i've been in therapy for it.

it helped for a while, but i've gone "off the wagon" so to speak

today...i am taking my kids to the zoo. It's over 90 degrees here. and humid.
i am wearing jeans because none of my shorts fit me.
I thought i could wear a knit pair, but they looked like i should be at walmart shopping, not at the zoo with my kids.

that depressed me.
even though i knew it before i even put them on.

I am eating berries and yogurt...my breakfast.
having a pity party.

just needed to vent.

hope you are well.

xoxo
holly

some days...

2009-06-06T13:20:00.001-05:00

all you want to do is stay in bed and cry.

i have those days...not sure what triggers them or why i have them or even really what they are about.

Anyone else have those days?

xoxo
holly

What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

2009-05-29T15:07:00.002-05:00

Ok, here goes...

I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.

a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just thoughts...so what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my case...it causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings out..work through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................

xoxo
holly

holly in hiding...or what's going on?

2009-05-29T13:15:00.002-05:00

Hey ya'll.
Nope, i am not dead.
Not run off the Internet.
Just busy as a bee at pollen time...
AND my computer has been MIA for the past three weeks...and is still gone.
Hope to get it back soon and spread some Holly around for you all to love.
Hope you are all well.
drop me a line sometime at hollyg1973@yahoo.com let me know how you are!
xoxox
holly

bleh

2009-05-03T20:08:00.000-05:00

ok so i know you are waiting for my
'Big announcement.....but i am just sort of in a funk and depressed. just not feeling it right now....

xoxo
holly

The Future's so bright....I've gotta wear shades.

2009-04-26T18:35:00.003-05:00

Hey out there.

I have been kicking some things around in my head now for a while...really for a LONG while...but more so lately.

I have deleted almost all of my past blog entries, i hope you read what you wanted before i axed them. you were warned.

Stay tuned for a big announcement coming soon.

xoxo

holly

When anon isn't really anon...anymore

2009-04-16T07:11:00.005-05:00

I have a couple of blogs rolling around in my head.

Things that could be really good discussion starters.

Only if i blog them, "they" will know. And be upset.

When people who read your blog are involved in your life, it sort of limits you. It doesn't matter if they started out here, and moved into your life, or moved from your life into your blog, i've got it both ways, its a mess.

You have to watch what you say. you can't vent. Well, you can, but not about them or they will get offended. I'd imagine if Hubman and Veronica had a really bad date with fellow bloggers, we'd never hear about it. It just wouldn't be right somehow.

It's not even that i have anything "bad" to say...its just that now my venting spot has become contaminated. I don't want to hurt feelings or ruin relationships by blogging the wrong thing. Back in the day of M i use to get in all sorts of trouble with him for making him look like an ass in my blog...well, if the shoe fits...

but seriously, he wasn't a blogger. There was no danger of anyone finding out who he was. You just can't safely blog about bloggers....or blog about people who read your blog in general. Someone will get hurt or take it wrong or something.

So in lieu of the blogs i'd like to blog...here's a blog about the bizarre-ness of not being able to blog due to your audience. Anyone else ever experienced this?

happy Thursday.

holly

xoxo

stuff

2009-04-14T18:38:00.002-05:00

so i said i wasn't going to blog everyday....oh well .

So i have issues with anxiety. i tend to be very anxious. Anxiety is a very uncomfortable feeling for me so i try to avoid it when possible. Not that i can really control being anxious, but i do things to numb the feeling of it. I use to smoke. so i would chain smoke when i was anxious about something.
But i finally quit smoking, except for a few social situations, so that's out. Even when i did smoke, i was a closet smoker so i couldn't always rely on that to help ease my anxiety. My other drug of choice is food. I've noticed when i am anxious about things, i tend to eat by the hand fulls. M&Ms, nuts, Jelly Beans, chocolate chips, potato chips, whatever i can get my hands on and if it is crunchy all the better.
As the anxiety continues, the more hand fulls i eat. the more i eat, the worse i feel, even though it does alleviate some of the anxiety.
Part of the problem is that i am a talker. I like to talk things out. Its how i process. Maybe that is why i blog. Its talking to me. getting my ideas out there so i can look at them and process them. however i still don't like to feel them so i stuff them down with food. i bury them because i can't sit with them.
I need to invite them in and sit them down to tea. Maybe they would tell me what i need to know and then move on. Maybe i wouldn't feel them like a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat if i was more familiar with my uncomfortable emotions.

Back to anxiety and me...i know there are times when i have to wait. Things i can't control. People who need time and space. People who are *gasp* different than I am. People who deal differently. I know there are answers i don't want to hear and realities i don't want to face. It's part of life and i have to find healthier ways to deal, right?

xox
holly

can't leave well enough alone.

2009-04-13T18:21:00.002-05:00

ok, first day back and this is my second post. shrug. i have to vent and have no one to vent to.

first i'd like to say that i hate it when i think i am doing the right thing...and pushing and pushing and groping and trying my best to resolve an issue....and end up only making it worse because i should have just said what i had to say and left it alone.

you know who you are. If you read this, i am sorry. i am honestly not a stalker and i hope i haven't come on so strong that you decide you don't want me around.

i can't stand the anxiety that i have in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat. Why do things affect me this way? What's up with that? this should NOT be such an issue for me...but they are my feelings and i have to own them, feel them, hear what they are trying to tell me and then let them go.

sigh.
xox
holly

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your Holly here!

2009-04-13T08:58:00.004-05:00

Did you think I'd come back? Well, here i am, as promised, back after Easter! I hope the bunny was good to you and yours!

How have you been? Is anyone still out there listening? I know there were a ton of blogs closing down about the time i went on hiatus so I'm not sure who's still around.

I had planned, upon my return, to do a recap post. I have decided against that. Most of the history is still there in the archives if you are so inclined, if not, welcome to my new place!

I say "most of it" because I have deleted some, and plan on deleting more. It has served its purpose and i am ready to say good-bye to a lot of it. Time to move on.

Here I am, post lent. What's changed? What have i learned?

Well for starters, I have learned there is more to life than blogging. I can in fact survive without you, and since my in box hasn't been crowded with pleas to return, you guys do quite well without me too.

I'll be blogging again here and there, but not everyday. I've decided that airing all my dirty laundry here isn't what's best for me right now.

I have been spending more time with Daddy lately and that has been great. I also have gotten to know Shad and Belle, from his blog The Shadow, Dom, sub and her, and they are really great. I guess they popped my blogger cherry because K and i met them along with all our kiddies for an afternoon of shopping insanity at IKEA. We all had fun and are hoping to be able to get together again before too long, maybe even with out the kids. Woo hoo!

In other news, daddy and i have our 10 year anniversary coming up on the 24th of this month. We had been planning a BIG trip this summer with friends, but that got cancelled for a number of reasons and now we are looking at doing a road trip instead. Honestly, i think i am more excited about the road trip than i was about leaving the country. Besides, it will help the economy more *grin* if we stay in the USA. We are in the process of finalizing our plans now, but are looking at a departure date of July 11.

a funny thing that happened on our trip to see Shad and Belle, they passed a place, but sadly couldn't get a picture, on their way to meet us called Tiffany's Adult Entertainment. I nearly lost it when they said the sign read "no breakfast, no diamonds". Really, how cute is that?

hope you have a good week!

Holly

What's up here?

2009-02-23T08:03:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about what to do and where to go with this blog. It is mine so I reason I can go anywhere I want with it … and if you don’t like it, then you are certainly not obligated to read it, right?

I feel that I have been sharing too much of myself…or maybe just too much of the wrong parts of myself, here. K knows what I write, and has never openly expressed anything negative about it…but I am beginning to feel like maybe I should keep parts of OUR life, between us. More private. Not just out there for the “whole world” to read.

This is sounding oddly like lalana’s post in her own blog.

I feel as if I have given too much, way too much of my life, and my time to this blog and blogsphere. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but there have been days, more than I’d like to admit, where I have spent literally hours pouring over blogs, reading, commenting, and writing myself.

Oddly it has been easy for me to talk about my sex life here, but I think it will be much harder for me to talk about my demons. The ones I am struggling with on a daily, or almost daily, basis.

I realized that the season of Lent is upon us. There are traditionally forty days in Lent which are marked by fasting and other acts of penance. The three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent are prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. In my traditon some people give up a vice of theirs, add something that will bring them closer to God, and often give the time or money spent doing that to charitable purposes or organizations. I have been mulling over what to give up. What I can give up that would be meaningful, not giving up something like hang gliding …which is what my Grandfather always said he gave up!
I have decided to give up blogging here for Lent. Use that time to get back on track with my family and my life. I have quite the obsessive personality, and it’s time for me to step back and reorganize my priorities.
I may check in on your blogs here and there, but not daily as I have done in the past and when I come back after Easter, I will have a summary blog for you that recounts the past two? three? years here for my new readers as well as some idea of the “new” direction of this blog!
Happy Lent and Happy Easter!
xoxo
holly

you people!

2009-02-20T06:55:00.005-06:00

first...do you understand "maybe"???? its a hiatus...for a bit. don't give up ..i'll be back in some form...Keep a weather eye out!

and Becca had a good point..i hate unfinished business, hmpf! so here you go:

Day 20...i love Rob Bell...google him if you need to..he rocks!

Day 21...I love Sage and all his straight talkin'...especially the politics

Day 22...I love those of you who have become friends to me and not mere comments.

Day 23...I love pizza.

Day 24...I love my house. It is all but perfect and I am so happy and lucky to have it.

Day 25...I love SM and the marks it leaves *grin*

Day 26...i love my BFF who i could NOT make it though life without. She knows everything about me, maybe even more than i have figured out about myself yet.

Day 27...I love that my kids are at their grandparents almost every Friday night!

Day 28...In the words of Toby Keith "i love this bar...its my kinda place." only instead of bar, it's this blogsphere and the people i've been touched by.

that's the end of the DOL.

xoxo

holly

is this the end?

2009-02-19T10:01:00.002-06:00

Maybe.

i love you all. i love blogging and i love the flirting and attention. i love reading about you and hearing your tales.

however, i have to step away.
Being here is not helping the reality of my marriage.
Being here is not helping me want sex any less, which is what i have to do now. I have to do what is best for him and for our marriage. I have to find the path that leads back to where i was three years ago. Mostly sexless.

I think that is the only way i can survive. Wanting things i cannot have hurts too much. hoping things will change is insanity. I am sure i'll be back but i dont know how or when.

take care and i wish you all the happiness and great sex in the world!

xoxo
holly

therapy stuff

2009-02-06T12:52:00.003-06:00

ok so if you do more than look at the photos here you know i am in therapy. Tons of it. I really should be scary and damaged, but i really am not, i just got sick of my life being how it was and decided i needed to get off my ass and do something about it.

(yay go me!)

ok so my most recent "class" is about eating and food disorders. I was reading today and came across this. I thought it was very powerful so i wanted to share it and maybe someone out there will read it and it will help them out. Oddly this is from Marthaswewart.com first published may 2008. Here goes:

At the heart of Cameron's classes is a technique called "morning pages," in which you rise early and write three longhand pages of absolutely anything -no thinking, no worrying, no dieting. Although Cameron instructs her students to write freely, she says people often use morning pages as an emotional outlet, one they were accustomed to finding in food. "you take a look at your fear, anxiety, and nervousness directly instead of eating something to squelch it, " she says. "you don't need to focus on it; it will just come up. Morning pages are remarkable in how they get to the underside of what's bothering you. "

And the more you give voice to your emotions, the less you'll need food to keep your real feelings quiet. "When you do morning pages, " says Cameron, "you start to take your likes and dislikes a little more seriously. It helps with speaking your mind."

uncomfortable

2009-02-02T19:56:00.003-06:00

i am uncomfortably numb. actually not so numb but filled with the emotions that i don't deal well with . The ones i usually stuff down and ignore with food. The ones i deny. I don't even know their names i have run from them so often. I do know how they feel. sort of empty and hollow in my gut...i guess that is why i want to eat, to try and fill that spot.

is it frustration? desperation? loneliness? depression? i'm not sure. what is it that this emotion is trying to tell me? if i don't eat to cover it up, then what do i do? how do i deal with this feeling?

i don't like it. Its uncomfortable.

Sixteen things about me. Right now.

2009-01-26T13:39:00.003-06:00

1. I still have a sick kid. She gets better and then worse. i can't plan anything because i don't know from day to day what's going to happen. This makes me crazy.

2. I desperately need to get my hair dyed again but ...see number 1!

3. I have watched Mulan two times today in bed with my sick kid. Girls rock!

4. I had a GREAT night with K on Friday night...and he is amazing.

5. i am making Tacos for dinner.

6. I have a few blogger friends who i really like...you make me smile everyday!

7. I love Coke Zero. I love it too much.

8. My house is a wreck and i need to be getting things ready for various projects...but i am just not motivated and ...sick kid wants me in bed with her all day...its not a hard sell.

9. I see way too much Hannah Montana and Suite life for a person who is 35!

10. I love Alice in Wonderland and Sleeping Beauty.

11. I am bored.

12. i have nothing to say.

13. Why is this so hard?

14. How do the 100 things about me people do this?

15. It is almost time for me to do carpool...yeehaw!

16. I miss my Daddy. Is it time for him to be home yet?

Friday with food!

2008-12-12T05:25:00.002-06:00

OK so today is the lovely, talented and Charming ASM's virtual cookie exchange.
I will share with you today...the most amazing cookie recipe ever! People will beg you to make these and ask for the recipe!

I got this recipe from Christmas with SouthernLiving 1997 so yes, its been around for a while!

Heavenly Chocolate Chunk Cookies

2 cups plus 2 Tablespoons all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter or margarine
2 Tablespoons instant coffee granules
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg yolk
1 large egg
1 pkg semisweet chocolate mega (or any size you like) morsels
1 cup walnuts halves (or pecans)

Combine first 3 ingredients; stir well.

Combine butter and coffee granules in a small saucepan or skillet. cook over med-low heat until butter melts and coffee is dissolved stirring occasionally. remove from heat and let cool to room temp, but don't let butter harden.

Combine Butter mixture, sugar, egg and egg yolk in a large bowl. Beat at medium speed with electric mixer until blended. gradually add flour mixture beating at low speed just until blended. stir in morsels and nuts.

drop dough by heaping tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. bake at 325 for 12-14 minutes. let cool slightly on pan and remove to wire rack to cool completely.

yield 20 cookies.

ok, i make mine "regular" sized and always get about 3 dozen. trust me...these are good!

Which Christmas Character Are You?

2008-12-10T07:05:00.003-06:00

Which Christmas Character Are You?

Santa

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Like Father Christmas, you're a jovial, easygoing people-person which puts you first in line, should the man in the red suit ever retire. You're probably known for your generosity and good heart and even if you don't have your own magic workshop, we'd guess there's plenty you do to put smiles on people's faces — every day.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Cupid stupid!

2008-12-09T16:10:00.001-06:00

Which of Santa's Reindeer are you?

Cupid

Like Cupid you know how to spread love. You have a place in your heart for everyone and are always there with a hug or a kiss

Find out which of Santa's Reindeer you are at Quizopolis.com

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T07:43:00.000-06:00

more thoughts from an email...

2008-11-24T08:29:00.002-06:00

"OK, so now we move on to the BDSM portion of the show. I know that you love attention and feeling adored and all of it....for the most part, who doesn't? I feel, however, that it's a problem, not in your mind, mind you, that it's coming from outside people & not K. I also realize that if you were in Obama's shoes right now and the whole damn world just loved you to bits, it would not be enough. If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking 'yeah, that's true...but why is that?' ...."

yes, i am a self proclaimed attention whore. Yes. I admit it. My name is holly and i am addicted to attention. Yes, i also realize that getting that attention from other men...men other than K. is harmful to ME. I am not saying that some people can't be poly and healthy or swingers and healthy or whatever...but yes, i agree, that FOR ME, it is not healthy to seek or obtain sexual attention from someone other than K.

there, i've said it!

That does not mean that when it is placed in front of me, i will not accept it or that i won't actively seek it from time to time. There are times when i think i can handle it, when i think i have got it in a box...and then later realize that i don't. I mess up, i fail, i cause a lot of my own problems, i am human and i am learning. I realize that my low self esteem and my lack of appropriate emotional boundaries are WHY i can never have enough attention. I am working on 'fixing' those things. it is a slow process.

"...I think part of the BDSM thing is that pleasure and pain/pleasure from pain is along those same lines of experiencing extremes. To you it's 'vanilla' to do anything else. I would venture a guess that if you try to figure out the extreme emotion thing, part of you is afraid you'd lose all these other things that come with the extreme back-n-forth (e.g. the lifestyle, the attention). I suspect that might even cause you to back away from working on that part of your life. "

I will agree that the SM part and the objectification part of my BDSM play does have to do with the extremes i crave. It also has to do with giving up, or even being "forced" to give up, control for a time. It is an escape. It is a 'happy place' where i can just exist and be and release a lot of pent up emotional crap...and feel better afterward.

I have said before, and think that it has happened to some degree already, that the more i get my self together the less i will NEED the D/s stuff. If i feel good about myself and feel competent then i won't NEED someone else to control me all the time. does that mean i won't still enjoy it or still crave it from time to time? No, i don't think so. Honestly it is like a drug...like some of you crazy running people...you get a runner's high. I get a high from bottoming, from being submissive, from playing in a SM and/or D/s way. Just because i am not sure what's at the other end of the rabbit hole, doesn't mean i am going to stop mid way through. I have come too far to turn back now.

"...I also noticed, in one of your responses to coquette about sub-drop, you got very defensive. However, I must tell you I feel awful when you're so down it's scary, when the negative doesn't seem like it's nearly enough negative for you...."

I went back and looked at that specific comment and my response. I don't feel it was defensive. It at least was certainly NOT meant to be. I was just trying to point out that sub drop is not something that happens to everyone, or every time. I don't want my sub drop stories to keep anyone from exploring something they are interested in. In two years, i have had really bad sub drop twice. I have learned something valuable from each of those experiences. That is all. Coquette, if i seemed defensive, i am sorry girl!

"...I want you to experience what you consider vanilla because you deserve to be happy and content...busy but happy & content. You mean so much to so many, I feel, from what I read on your blog, that you're looking for something you can't seem to find...you think you've found it but then it's like 'oh, no, never mind...that's not gold...just some sparkly rock...' I know that some of this is due to your childhood as not only an only child but also with nothing of regular happiness to use as an example, as you've said"

Hmmmm. i do feel like i am chasing a rainbow at times. I feel like i don't live intentionally enough. I don't see what is right in front of my face. i am rarely content. again, things i am working on. I do mistake sparkly rocks for gold at times, and yes, it is disappointing but at least i haven't become so cynical that i don't think there is any gold left out there!

I am an only child, and i think that has a great deal to do with the person i have become. I do not recall ever saying that my childhood was not happy. I have struggled a lot because i can't think of anything traumatic that happened to cause me to be who i am now. i wish there was some definitive thing i could point to and say "THIS is what caused it..." but i can't. It is more work than that. It is hiding. I have to uncover it and discover what to do with it.

"As you've mentioned as well, I think your expectations of many situations in life, but most specifically the things in your sex life, are very high. You have 'in your mind' how things will unfold and you feel a need to control something you shouldn't even be remotely thinking about controlling it. You can't let go, you can't enjoy, you can't let K just be himself. I read about the situations with OKB & TEO and seriously, I want to scream at you. I get that in the BDSM world, the marks and the highs and lows are apparently something to aspire to. I'm not condemning it I'm simply saying that I do not like it when any of my friends are hurting in any way. "

yes, my expectations do get me in trouble. I am trying NOT to have them. I am trying to roll with the punches and go with the flow. I am trying to take what i get and be happy with it instead of always wanting more, bigger, better!

the marks are amazing and i could write a whole post on marks and how they make me feel. they are reminders of fun had. Proof that it happened. The highs are something to aspire to as well, who doesn't like a little endorphin rush? ...and the lows, are just a part of it. We do all we can to avoid them, but as it has been suggested recently, why not just embrace them when they do come as part of the whole. Instead of trying to reject them and feeling even worse for having them, invite them in, sit with them, learn from them and take them as a chance to pamper yourself for a bit until they pass. See them, like the marks, as a continuation of the scene. change the way we look at them in order to handle them better.

As far as the downs go, yes, they do hurt..but why is hurting always bad? Don't we learn a lot from our pain? Why is it that our culture is so afraid of pain and hurting? why do we focus on making it go away instead of focusing on what it is trying to teach us? maybe if we sat with it and learned the lesson it was trying to teach, it would leave us quicker, and return less often than when we just freak out and try to shoo it out the door like an unwelcome guest.

always

holly

Celebrate Monthly....

2008-09-29T15:17:00.002-05:00

And don't forget to powder your nose and look your best!

Remember

2008-09-11T09:06:00.002-05:00

I was only a week from delivering my first child. My best friend had 3 month old twin boys. Her parents had just left to return home 5 hours away. I was going over that morning to hang out and to help her with the boys. I heard something going on as i was listening to a radio show that morning, but i couldn't really tell what it was. I am not a person to watch the news or morning shows. I basically live under a rock in my safe little corner of the world. I pulled up in her drive and went inside. I think Sesame Street was on "for the boys". "Turn on the news" i said to her, "something is going on. I think a plane just flew into a building in NY."

I sat and stared at the t.v. all morning. It was almost like it was unreal. Living in the deep south, i was hundreds of miles away from NY or DC. It seemed almost like a foreign land this was happening in to me. Yet rationally i knew, this was here, my country. WOW. I knew i would know people who knew people who were in the midst of this. What if they hit Atlanta? That's not so far. I thought to myself, i will never ever forget this day.
Where were you? What were you doing? did you loose someone that day or in the days that followed? What's your story? Tell it. Tell your kids. don't ever forget what happened on September 11, 2001. I wonder if more people died that day or if more babies were born. i wonder how many people were late to work so they weren't there. How happy their families were to know they weren't in the buildings.
Take a moment. Remember. Pray that this never happens again. Pray for our President and for the upcoming election. Pray for our Military and our first responders. Pray for us all.
always
holly