What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

Ok, here goes...


I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.





a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just thoughts...so what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my case...it causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings out..work through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................


xoxo
holly

you people!

first...do you understand "maybe"???? its a hiatus...for a bit. don't give up ..i'll be back in some form...Keep a weather eye out!

and Becca had a good point..i hate unfinished business, hmpf! so here you go:

Day 20...i love Rob Bell...google him if you need to..he rocks!

Day 21...I love Sage and all his straight talkin'...especially the politics

Day 22...I love those of you who have become friends to me and not mere comments.

Day 23...I love pizza.

Day 24...I love my house. It is all but perfect and I am so happy and lucky to have it.

Day 25...I love SM and the marks it leaves *grin*

Day 26...i love my BFF who i could NOT make it though life without. She knows everything about me, maybe even more than i have figured out about myself yet.

Day 27...I love that my kids are at their grandparents almost every Friday night!

Day 28...In the words of Toby Keith "i love this bar...its my kinda place." only instead of bar, it's this blogsphere and the people i've been touched by.

that's the end of the DOL.

xoxo

holly

more thoughts from an email...

"OK, so now we move on to the BDSM portion of the show. I know that you love attention and feeling adored and all of it....for the most part, who doesn't? I feel, however, that it's a problem, not in your mind, mind you, that it's coming from outside people & not K. I also realize that if you were in Obama's shoes right now and the whole damn world just loved you to bits, it would not be enough. If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking 'yeah, that's true...but why is that?' ...."

yes, i am a self proclaimed attention whore. Yes. I admit it. My name is holly and i am addicted to attention. Yes, i also realize that getting that attention from other men...men other than K. is harmful to ME. I am not saying that some people can't be poly and healthy or swingers and healthy or whatever...but yes, i agree, that FOR ME, it is not healthy to seek or obtain sexual attention from someone other than K.

there, i've said it!

That does not mean that when it is placed in front of me, i will not accept it or that i won't actively seek it from time to time. There are times when i think i can handle it, when i think i have got it in a box...and then later realize that i don't. I mess up, i fail, i cause a lot of my own problems, i am human and i am learning. I realize that my low self esteem and my lack of appropriate emotional boundaries are WHY i can never have enough attention. I am working on 'fixing' those things. it is a slow process.

"...I think part of the BDSM thing is that pleasure and pain/pleasure from pain is along those same lines of experiencing extremes. To you it's 'vanilla' to do anything else. I would venture a guess that if you try to figure out the extreme emotion thing, part of you is afraid you'd lose all these other things that come with the extreme back-n-forth (e.g. the lifestyle, the attention). I suspect that might even cause you to back away from working on that part of your life. "

I will agree that the SM part and the objectification part of my BDSM play does have to do with the extremes i crave. It also has to do with giving up, or even being "forced" to give up, control for a time. It is an escape. It is a 'happy place' where i can just exist and be and release a lot of pent up emotional crap...and feel better afterward.

I have said before, and think that it has happened to some degree already, that the more i get my self together the less i will NEED the D/s stuff. If i feel good about myself and feel competent then i won't NEED someone else to control me all the time. does that mean i won't still enjoy it or still crave it from time to time? No, i don't think so. Honestly it is like a drug...like some of you crazy running people...you get a runner's high. I get a high from bottoming, from being submissive, from playing in a SM and/or D/s way. Just because i am not sure what's at the other end of the rabbit hole, doesn't mean i am going to stop mid way through. I have come too far to turn back now.

"...I also noticed, in one of your responses to coquette about sub-drop, you got very defensive. However, I must tell you I feel awful when you're so down it's scary, when the negative doesn't seem like it's nearly enough negative for you...."

I went back and looked at that specific comment and my response. I don't feel it was defensive. It at least was certainly NOT meant to be. I was just trying to point out that sub drop is not something that happens to everyone, or every time. I don't want my sub drop stories to keep anyone from exploring something they are interested in. In two years, i have had really bad sub drop twice. I have learned something valuable from each of those experiences. That is all. Coquette, if i seemed defensive, i am sorry girl!

"...I want you to experience what you consider vanilla because you deserve to be happy and content...busy but happy & content. You mean so much to so many, I feel, from what I read on your blog, that you're looking for something you can't seem to find...you think you've found it but then it's like 'oh, no, never mind...that's not gold...just some sparkly rock...' I know that some of this is due to your childhood as not only an only child but also with nothing of regular happiness to use as an example, as you've said"

Hmmmm. i do feel like i am chasing a rainbow at times. I feel like i don't live intentionally enough. I don't see what is right in front of my face. i am rarely content. again, things i am working on. I do mistake sparkly rocks for gold at times, and yes, it is disappointing but at least i haven't become so cynical that i don't think there is any gold left out there!

I am an only child, and i think that has a great deal to do with the person i have become. I do not recall ever saying that my childhood was not happy. I have struggled a lot because i can't think of anything traumatic that happened to cause me to be who i am now. i wish there was some definitive thing i could point to and say "THIS is what caused it..." but i can't. It is more work than that. It is hiding. I have to uncover it and discover what to do with it.

"As you've mentioned as well, I think your expectations of many situations in life, but most specifically the things in your sex life, are very high. You have 'in your mind' how things will unfold and you feel a need to control something you shouldn't even be remotely thinking about controlling it. You can't let go, you can't enjoy, you can't let K just be himself. I read about the situations with OKB & TEO and seriously, I want to scream at you. I get that in the BDSM world, the marks and the highs and lows are apparently something to aspire to. I'm not condemning it I'm simply saying that I do not like it when any of my friends are hurting in any way. "

yes, my expectations do get me in trouble. I am trying NOT to have them. I am trying to roll with the punches and go with the flow. I am trying to take what i get and be happy with it instead of always wanting more, bigger, better!

the marks are amazing and i could write a whole post on marks and how they make me feel. they are reminders of fun had. Proof that it happened. The highs are something to aspire to as well, who doesn't like a little endorphin rush? ...and the lows, are just a part of it. We do all we can to avoid them, but as it has been suggested recently, why not just embrace them when they do come as part of the whole. Instead of trying to reject them and feeling even worse for having them, invite them in, sit with them, learn from them and take them as a chance to pamper yourself for a bit until they pass. See them, like the marks, as a continuation of the scene. change the way we look at them in order to handle them better.

As far as the downs go, yes, they do hurt..but why is hurting always bad? Don't we learn a lot from our pain? Why is it that our culture is so afraid of pain and hurting? why do we focus on making it go away instead of focusing on what it is trying to teach us? maybe if we sat with it and learned the lesson it was trying to teach, it would leave us quicker, and return less often than when we just freak out and try to shoo it out the door like an unwelcome guest.

always

holly