Toes in the pool

sigh.
It has been a long, long time.

As much as I stand my by decision to delete my old posts, right now i wish that i had just hidden them somewhere and I could get my hands on them.

I have got my toes back in the pool and the water is temping me. It looks very, very inviting.

I have been asked "to do a little Journaling" on an "experience" I had. Where I "was" when the top "called enough and what the 'oblivion' was like" or "what it meant" for me.

I am trying to remember.
I remember that I was alone, Hubby was not with me that night.
I had already scened with another top, and this was an unplanned surprise.
I was juiced from the first scene and had come down a bit, but was more than ready to go again.
I didn't have any toys of my own, so the whips that were used, as i recall were borrowed, even by the top.
He didn't have that kind of whip yet, and wanted to try it out. I was game to be the test subject. The energy was amazing.
It didn't take me long to warm back up and each time the whip cracked against my skin, along with the pain, there was an electric charge of energy that went through my body.
The music was loud and all i could hear was the rythm and the smack of the whip on my skin.
He and I had talked online a lot the week before and there was an unmistakable sexual energy between us now that we had come together.
I didn't want to stop. I wanted to stay there and be his focus for hours. Days. weeks.
It felt so good to not be me, but to be Holly. To escape the me-ness of it all and just let Holy out to play.

WTH

Ok, so i don't know what's up with my blog....but Reflexive left me a comment, it was emailed to me...only its not here! wth? then all the blogs i was following...are not showing up!

sheesh. blogger must hate me!

well, If there was any doubt as to why i am feeling like a big fat cow, its all the sweets i am consuming!!! I really noticed it once i started writing things down! YIKES! Ice cream is my biggest problem...that and if i get too hungry, i will eat anything i can easily get into my mouth!!!

Easter candy isn't helping either. I have a big weakness for peanutbutter and chocolate! that's everywhere this time of year! I am hoping that i can have a 'normal' week next week and start doing some exercising!

I am looking forward to a nice day at home with hub tomorrow....he's off work and the kids will be at school! yippee!

Welcome back

Well here we go again! maybe....

If you're still out there..holler so i know you're around!

I am alive and well. Being 'back' here makes me wonder how all the long lost blogger peeps are. I'll never know I guess. That's the good/bad thing about blogging. It's anonymous and it isn't. You feel like it is, but then people find out and you get "busted" and have to leave the blogsphere and I never know what happened to ya! The blogs come down and you go on with your REAL LIFE and I always wonder what the heck happened to you! Maybe that's why I never have taken my blog down. I like to humor myself into thinking someone out there wonders on occasion what's happened to Holly and how she's doing. I wonder about Sage, and Coquette and others. I still pop in on occasion and check out some of you just to make sure you're still kicking {I promise I do!}

Well I think i might start this blog back up simply because I need a place to be "me" and I am not ready to air my dirty laundry and most secret feelings to the REAL WORLD yet.

So here's the catch up.....

I am blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing husband in the world. Do we still have problems, heck yes! {who doesn't?} He has been to hell, through it, and back with me and because of me. Yet, miraculously he is still by my side and still loves me! I have two healthy, amazing children who love me. I have a close group of good friends and family who love me. I have the BEST, best friend in all the world. She knows my dark side and loves me anyway. She's even brave enough to tell me when i am being an idiot! When i am mad and upset with my amazing hub, she even reminds me why I love him and why he is the most amazing man and that no one else in the whole world would put up with me and my crap! That right there is a good friend my peeps!

I don't know if you're new here or are perhaps someone who's an "old" reader who's wandered by because you thought you'd check in...but I would like to say "welcome" to my little space in the blogsphere. Sometimes it's dark here, and it is whiney and sometimes it's just me droning on to hear myself think. On occasion it might be a little bit sexy, perhaps inspiring or it just may suck. I don't know yet. I just know that today i wanted to start a blog about where I am now and where i want to be and i figured this space was as good as any! If you are looking for a little recap this is the best i can offer you.

So as i have said before in this blog, I struggle with weight issues. I am now probablly heavier than i was when i wrote that post, but I am scared to hop on the scales to find out. I have been inspired recently by some blogs by other fat girls or previously fat girls and at the age of 37, {really when did i get so old?} I have decided to do something about it again! Hopefully this time for good! My cousin is getting married in about 2 months and my family is going to see the Mouse in Florida at Christmas and I want to feel better before either of those things happen. I just went away with my girlfriends and bought new athletic shoes and sports bras...really, what am i waiting for?

Here are my immediate goals:

1. Cut myself down to 3 diet sodas a day {trust me i am currently consuming MUCH more}

2. Drink more {any?} water!

3. Keep a daily food log of WHAT and WHEN I am eating!

That's it....that's all I am going to do this week! small steps! they add up! Stating it off tomorrow! wish me luck and check back for my progress!

xoxox

Holly

whine, bitch and moan

can you just wake up one day and be bi-polar? After years of just garden variety depression, can you wake up one day and realize that you are in fact...perhaps...bi-polar? and if you ARE bi-polar...are you even sane enough to realize it?



these are the thoughts I am pondering at the moment. Grab a cuppa and i'll tell you why....



(riveted aren't you? I thought so)



so for the past several weeks, however long since my last post, plus a bit...i have been spiraling down lower and lower. the drop left me on day actually having to FORCE myself out of bed...not to carry on with life, but because my Mother was coming over to go 'with us' swimming and it seemed less painful to fake it for a few hours than to stay in bed and TRY to explain why i was there. Got up, got ready....as ready as you need to haul your ass and two kids to the pool for a few hours....found myself laying by the pool, cleverly disguised as a mom who was catching some rays...but inside; I was a mess. I was silently crying behind my shades, and "woke up" from a daze several times realizing that i hadn't been breathing. Now, maybe i am nuts, but i wasn't aware you had to think about breathing...i thought the brain took care of that itself.



That day seemed to be the bottom of the pit. Short of hauling it to the store for razor blades, which just frankly seemed like too much work, I really couldn't and didn't get any lower.

A few days later....i seemed back to my "normal" self. The past three days i was ...well, manic seems perhaps too strong a word...but way up for me. Totally kickin' it, getting things done. full of energy and creativity.

Today...bleh. headed back down in that pit. All i can think is WTF!??!

And YES, i am medicated, and yes, i am taking the pills. I can't find anything especially to trigger either spiral (up or down). WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? So today i am wondering if NOW, i might be bi-polar. Is that even possible?

Back from bliss...

So, when i am safe and whole and sane...i don't hang around here much. I don't need the outlet.

But, when i get down and cracked and broken; hungry for more and needy....I come back. Its like a drug I guess. Maybe it is just easier for me to type these days than to drag out a pen and my journal.

Whatever.

I am just down. In a funk. Needy. Not sure why.

ok, that's sort of a lie. I do have an idea, several ideas as to why. I just got back from 12 days of vacation, with my kids, and my parents. love them all, but that many days and no alone time...makes me wonky. If i did get alone time i felt guilty about it. I've decided 'family' vacation is not really a vacation for me. Also, for much of that time, I wasn't sleeping well due to the beds or to the lack of my Hub in one with me. sleeping arrangements were not at optimal for me.

Now we are back and i am trying to find my groove again. Summer throws me off kilter. the kids are home, there is no schedule. chaos is the order of the days.

and i am feeling very fat. I am sure i gained some weight on vacation. i am terrified to hop on the scale and see how much. i feel like jobba the hutt! I am irritable and moody and horny! i want to sleep all day and fuck all night. My sweet loving kids are annoying the hell out of me! I want to eat ice cream and slit my wrists. great combo, huh?

There is so much i NEED to do...and so little i WANT to do. and yes, i am taking my meds thankyouverymuch!

I want to scream and cry and be swept up and cuddled like a cranky baby. Only I am not a baby. I am a grown woman with responsibilities and duties. I am in what i call survival mode. I do what i have to do to be functional. I show up, fain fun, and then sink back in to a dark abyss.

I have been really well for a long time. Now......

well now I just don't know what I am. I get up, tend to the kidlets, play at keeping house (luckily my hub is lenient about his castle being spotless and his dinner being hot and ready). I got to the store, i get groceries. I show up when invited, etc. But the joy is gone. I don't WANT to do any of it. I want to not bathe, stay in my yoga pants and T shirt that i wore yesterday and slept in and just sleep...and eat ice cream. And yet...I get cranky when the Hub doesn't want to make crazy monkey love to me??? seriously. I wouldn't even want to come home at night if i were him.

I made a list yesterday of the things i think i need to do. Things that need to get done or things that i think would help me. but .... i can't seem to make myself get my ass in gear. sigh.

Just needed to vent. It is after all, my head space.

holly

what's the back story...

I just wanted to say that if you stumble across this blog and haven't had the "joy" {lol} of being here from the beginning....the back story is missing.

sorry.

if you are like me, and i am sure someone is, you like to go back to the beginning and read the whole story.

I deleted it. If you read the post below, maybe you will understand why. Maybe not. Sometimes i wish it was still there, for me, but I deleted it, much like i do everything with much passion! lol.

I left a VERY few things behind, but most of what i left won't tell you much. I recapped the highlights below.

I think I am done posting here.

I like that last post, so i don't know if i will delete the blog or leave it here. If you stop by, let me know what you think. Should it stay or should it go now?

xoxxox

holly

holly?

How did holly come to be?


Well, I have been thinking about my life and where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I got “here”. The past 4 years of my life would make a great mini-series or after school movie.
Once upon a time there was a wife, a husband, a little boy and a baby. They were all very happy until…..
*Queue the dramatic crescendo of music*
We put our house up for sale. We started looking for a new one. We finally sold our house, moved in with my parents and waited on our new home to be finished.
Sounds simple enough. Praise God that we had a place to go; that we weren’t homeless; that my parents were able to take us in. But somehow, someway that affected me. Maybe I felt like a teenager again living at home? Maybe I totally lost my identity because suddenly I wasn’t the Matron of the household any longer? I am really not sure, but I think that is where it started. Seeds had already been planted that now grew like Jack’s magic bean stalk.
There are a million things I could have done, maybe even should have done, but what I did do was spend a lot of time online trying to escape the life I was living.
It wasn’t that my parents were evil or unkind or unloving…I just snapped. I wanted out, but not really. Not like pack my bags, “go out for ice cream’ and never come back. Just to be someone different than who I was right then.
Time passed, I got deeper and deeper into life online. I even had a spread sheet of sorts at one point to keep up with all the “men” I was talking to. K knew what was going on. The only thing I credit myself for in all this is that I was always honest with him. I never hid things from him.
Eventually we moved into our new home. By this time I was so far in, that not only was I talking to men online, I was talking to them on the phone. (If I had been charging for my services, I could have made a little pocket money) I was in deep. One thing led to another and I begin to find the online BDSM community, and then the real life local one. I was hooked. I thought I had found the missing piece of my life.
There is one thing that you can say about me, and Holly: we are passionate. We jump in with both feet and never look back, or around, or forward. We just jump! (David Lee Roth would be so proud) I read and chatted, and asked questions. I had a few “online” D/s relationships. I was so hungry for it. I begged K to get on board. I threatened to “get what I needed” elsewhere if he wouldn’t support me. I acted like a two year old. I was consumed.
Time passed. K got more or less on board. I met M, a local Dom who was single and willing to work with “us”. That turned into more “me” than “us”, but we coasted along. K and I started attending the local BDSM group. We learned some things, met people…more people for ME to get involved with.
By this point, weather she had a name or not, Holly was running wild both online and in real life. She was passionate about men who cared very little for her. She gave her heart and soul to men who didn’t love her. She gave her time, her body; she was consumed.
Then the problems at home really started. I had been going to therapy for a while. K started going. We started going together. I knew that what I was doing needed to stop but I just wouldn’t give it up. I was too selfish. It was an addiction without a 12 step program. I am really good at justifying things.
Just after giving me a collar at Christmas 2 years ago, M met a woman and fell head over heels in love with her. By February he was telling me that we could only be friends. My heart was literally broken. Only three men in my life have ever hurt me so much. I was completely devastated. I think this was the beginning of the end.
Things went “downhill” from there. I tried to get involved with other men, but I had too much “baggage”, i.e. a husband who loved me and who I loved, and yet the need to be loved and wanted by another man.
I put myself out there and played with and got emotionally hurt by a few other men, and then one day I quit fighting. I did what I knew I needed to do all along. I started ‘disappearing”.
I deleted my fetlife and mydungeonspace accounts. We quit attending local events. I stepped away from blogging, or whining whichever you’d like to call it. I started to focus on what I actually had in my life instead of what I thought I was lacking. Weeks turned into months and I was amazed that NO ONE from the life I thought I so desperately needed had even bothered to notice that I was gone. Or if they did, they didn’t bother to contact me and see what was up or even say “hi”. I even posted on the MB for our local group….you could hear the crickets. It was like I hadn’t even existed.
Eventually I became disgusted with my past behavior. I started deleting old blogs. I didn’t want to be able to “romanticize” my insanity. I do have a fondness for the macabre and insane……..
It has been almost a year now since I really stepped back. K and I are happy. Happier than we have been in a long time. We still “play” on occasion. We’ve invested a lot of money into toys…hehehe. I still have D/s fantasies and I still love pain, but I realize it is not a ‘way of life’ for me. I am more bedroom kinky than lifestyle kinky. The idea of a weekend of D/s appeals to me, but hardcore 24/7, not so much.
There are days when I want to “jump” back in, and then I realize I am romanticizing the past, and I force myself to remember all the heartache and bad pain that was the reality. I know I am where God wants me. I know that He will be able to use what I have been through for good in His own time and in His own way. I have confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. I have also learned that I am not the only deviant in the congregation and there is love and acceptance for all. I am very blessed in my church family and in the friendships that God has allowed me there. No one is holier than thou, we are all sinners and all need God’s grace and redemption. I am resting in His arms until I am strong enough to stand and do the work He has for me.