Welcome back

Well here we go again! maybe....

If you're still out there..holler so i know you're around!

I am alive and well. Being 'back' here makes me wonder how all the long lost blogger peeps are. I'll never know I guess. That's the good/bad thing about blogging. It's anonymous and it isn't. You feel like it is, but then people find out and you get "busted" and have to leave the blogsphere and I never know what happened to ya! The blogs come down and you go on with your REAL LIFE and I always wonder what the heck happened to you! Maybe that's why I never have taken my blog down. I like to humor myself into thinking someone out there wonders on occasion what's happened to Holly and how she's doing. I wonder about Sage, and Coquette and others. I still pop in on occasion and check out some of you just to make sure you're still kicking {I promise I do!}

Well I think i might start this blog back up simply because I need a place to be "me" and I am not ready to air my dirty laundry and most secret feelings to the REAL WORLD yet.

So here's the catch up.....

I am blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing husband in the world. Do we still have problems, heck yes! {who doesn't?} He has been to hell, through it, and back with me and because of me. Yet, miraculously he is still by my side and still loves me! I have two healthy, amazing children who love me. I have a close group of good friends and family who love me. I have the BEST, best friend in all the world. She knows my dark side and loves me anyway. She's even brave enough to tell me when i am being an idiot! When i am mad and upset with my amazing hub, she even reminds me why I love him and why he is the most amazing man and that no one else in the whole world would put up with me and my crap! That right there is a good friend my peeps!

I don't know if you're new here or are perhaps someone who's an "old" reader who's wandered by because you thought you'd check in...but I would like to say "welcome" to my little space in the blogsphere. Sometimes it's dark here, and it is whiney and sometimes it's just me droning on to hear myself think. On occasion it might be a little bit sexy, perhaps inspiring or it just may suck. I don't know yet. I just know that today i wanted to start a blog about where I am now and where i want to be and i figured this space was as good as any! If you are looking for a little recap this is the best i can offer you.

So as i have said before in this blog, I struggle with weight issues. I am now probablly heavier than i was when i wrote that post, but I am scared to hop on the scales to find out. I have been inspired recently by some blogs by other fat girls or previously fat girls and at the age of 37, {really when did i get so old?} I have decided to do something about it again! Hopefully this time for good! My cousin is getting married in about 2 months and my family is going to see the Mouse in Florida at Christmas and I want to feel better before either of those things happen. I just went away with my girlfriends and bought new athletic shoes and sports bras...really, what am i waiting for?

Here are my immediate goals:

1. Cut myself down to 3 diet sodas a day {trust me i am currently consuming MUCH more}

2. Drink more {any?} water!

3. Keep a daily food log of WHAT and WHEN I am eating!

That's it....that's all I am going to do this week! small steps! they add up! Stating it off tomorrow! wish me luck and check back for my progress!

xoxox

Holly

stuff

so i said i wasn't going to blog everyday....oh well .

So i have issues with anxiety. i tend to be very anxious. Anxiety is a very uncomfortable feeling for me so i try to avoid it when possible. Not that i can really control being anxious, but i do things to numb the feeling of it. I use to smoke. so i would chain smoke when i was anxious about something.
But i finally quit smoking, except for a few social situations, so that's out. Even when i did smoke, i was a closet smoker so i couldn't always rely on that to help ease my anxiety. My other drug of choice is food. I've noticed when i am anxious about things, i tend to eat by the hand fulls. M&Ms, nuts, Jelly Beans, chocolate chips, potato chips, whatever i can get my hands on and if it is crunchy all the better.
As the anxiety continues, the more hand fulls i eat. the more i eat, the worse i feel, even though it does alleviate some of the anxiety.
Part of the problem is that i am a talker. I like to talk things out. Its how i process. Maybe that is why i blog. Its talking to me. getting my ideas out there so i can look at them and process them. however i still don't like to feel them so i stuff them down with food. i bury them because i can't sit with them.
I need to invite them in and sit them down to tea. Maybe they would tell me what i need to know and then move on. Maybe i wouldn't feel them like a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat if i was more familiar with my uncomfortable emotions.

Back to anxiety and me...i know there are times when i have to wait. Things i can't control. People who need time and space. People who are *gasp* different than I am. People who deal differently. I know there are answers i don't want to hear and realities i don't want to face. It's part of life and i have to find healthier ways to deal, right?

xox
holly