There are times when you reflect on the past year. The fall seems to be that for me.
Wow. It has been a long time since i've relied on this space to vent or to give me what i need. I feel a bit like a ghost. It is almost as if Holly doesn't exist anymore.
except , she does.
she's still there. i ignore her most of the time. She really gets me in trouble. She makes me hurt. She makes people i love hurt. She fucks things up. She's my doppelganger.
She still wants to see OKB (one knotty boy)....she knows that would hurt her. Even thinking about him hurts. She is certain that he does not think of her. She was nothing to him. Not even a friend really. A flavor of the week. a quickly passing fancy. That's it. forgotten. shrug. reality hurts.
There are days...usually when its quiet at home....that i let my mind drift away from reality. Away from responsibility. Away from "real life". I still dream of all the kinky little things that really turn me on.....but now, when i do, I am haunted by the fact that reality is NOT like my fantasies. Not to mention, trying to make my fantasies a reality is insane and hurtful.
i am actually doing very well, if you were wondering.
life is full of family and friends and plenty of creativity these days. I am focusing on more than my sex drive and the wild imagination that fuels it.