Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Future's so bright....I've gotta wear shades.

Hey out there.

I have been kicking some things around in my head now for a while...really for a LONG while...but more so lately.

I have deleted almost all of my past blog entries, i hope you read what you wanted before i axed them. you were warned.

Stay tuned for a big announcement coming soon.



Thursday, April 16, 2009

When anon isn't really anon...anymore

I have a couple of blogs rolling around in my head.

Things that could be really good discussion starters.

Only if i blog them, "they" will know. And be upset.

When people who read your blog are involved in your life, it sort of limits you. It doesn't matter if they started out here, and moved into your life, or moved from your life into your blog, i've got it both ways, its a mess.

You have to watch what you say. you can't vent. Well, you can, but not about them or they will get offended. I'd imagine if Hubman and Veronica had a really bad date with fellow bloggers, we'd never hear about it. It just wouldn't be right somehow.

It's not even that i have anything "bad" to say...its just that now my venting spot has become contaminated. I don't want to hurt feelings or ruin relationships by blogging the wrong thing. Back in the day of M i use to get in all sorts of trouble with him for making him look like an ass in my blog...well, if the shoe fits...

but seriously, he wasn't a blogger. There was no danger of anyone finding out who he was. You just can't safely blog about bloggers....or blog about people who read your blog in general. Someone will get hurt or take it wrong or something.

So in lieu of the blogs i'd like to's a blog about the bizarre-ness of not being able to blog due to your audience. Anyone else ever experienced this?

happy Thursday.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009


so i said i wasn't going to blog everyday....oh well .

So i have issues with anxiety. i tend to be very anxious. Anxiety is a very uncomfortable feeling for me so i try to avoid it when possible. Not that i can really control being anxious, but i do things to numb the feeling of it. I use to smoke. so i would chain smoke when i was anxious about something.
But i finally quit smoking, except for a few social situations, so that's out. Even when i did smoke, i was a closet smoker so i couldn't always rely on that to help ease my anxiety. My other drug of choice is food. I've noticed when i am anxious about things, i tend to eat by the hand fulls. M&Ms, nuts, Jelly Beans, chocolate chips, potato chips, whatever i can get my hands on and if it is crunchy all the better.
As the anxiety continues, the more hand fulls i eat. the more i eat, the worse i feel, even though it does alleviate some of the anxiety.
Part of the problem is that i am a talker. I like to talk things out. Its how i process. Maybe that is why i blog. Its talking to me. getting my ideas out there so i can look at them and process them. however i still don't like to feel them so i stuff them down with food. i bury them because i can't sit with them.
I need to invite them in and sit them down to tea. Maybe they would tell me what i need to know and then move on. Maybe i wouldn't feel them like a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat if i was more familiar with my uncomfortable emotions.

Back to anxiety and me...i know there are times when i have to wait. Things i can't control. People who need time and space. People who are *gasp* different than I am. People who deal differently. I know there are answers i don't want to hear and realities i don't want to face. It's part of life and i have to find healthier ways to deal, right?


Monday, April 13, 2009

can't leave well enough alone.

ok, first day back and this is my second post. shrug. i have to vent and have no one to vent to.

first i'd like to say that i hate it when i think i am doing the right thing...and pushing and pushing and groping and trying my best to resolve an issue....and end up only making it worse because i should have just said what i had to say and left it alone.

you know who you are. If you read this, i am sorry. i am honestly not a stalker and i hope i haven't come on so strong that you decide you don't want me around.

i can't stand the anxiety that i have in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat. Why do things affect me this way? What's up with that? this should NOT be such an issue for me...but they are my feelings and i have to own them, feel them, hear what they are trying to tell me and then let them go.


Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your Holly here!

Did you think I'd come back? Well, here i am, as promised, back after Easter! I hope the bunny was good to you and yours!
How have you been? Is anyone still out there listening? I know there were a ton of blogs closing down about the time i went on hiatus so I'm not sure who's still around.
I had planned, upon my return, to do a recap post. I have decided against that. Most of the history is still there in the archives if you are so inclined, if not, welcome to my new place!
I say "most of it" because I have deleted some, and plan on deleting more. It has served its purpose and i am ready to say good-bye to a lot of it. Time to move on.
Here I am, post lent. What's changed? What have i learned?
Well for starters, I have learned there is more to life than blogging. I can in fact survive without you, and since my in box hasn't been crowded with pleas to return, you guys do quite well without me too.
I'll be blogging again here and there, but not everyday. I've decided that airing all my dirty laundry here isn't what's best for me right now.
I have been spending more time with Daddy lately and that has been great. I also have gotten to know Shad and Belle, from his blog The Shadow, Dom, sub and her, and they are really great. I guess they popped my blogger cherry because K and i met them along with all our kiddies for an afternoon of shopping insanity at IKEA. We all had fun and are hoping to be able to get together again before too long, maybe even with out the kids. Woo hoo!
In other news, daddy and i have our 10 year anniversary coming up on the 24th of this month. We had been planning a BIG trip this summer with friends, but that got cancelled for a number of reasons and now we are looking at doing a road trip instead. Honestly, i think i am more excited about the road trip than i was about leaving the country. Besides, it will help the economy more *grin* if we stay in the USA. We are in the process of finalizing our plans now, but are looking at a departure date of July 11.
a funny thing that happened on our trip to see Shad and Belle, they passed a place, but sadly couldn't get a picture, on their way to meet us called Tiffany's Adult Entertainment. I nearly lost it when they said the sign read "no breakfast, no diamonds". Really, how cute is that?
hope you have a good week!