Back from bliss...

So, when i am safe and whole and sane...i don't hang around here much. I don't need the outlet.

But, when i get down and cracked and broken; hungry for more and needy....I come back. Its like a drug I guess. Maybe it is just easier for me to type these days than to drag out a pen and my journal.

Whatever.

I am just down. In a funk. Needy. Not sure why.

ok, that's sort of a lie. I do have an idea, several ideas as to why. I just got back from 12 days of vacation, with my kids, and my parents. love them all, but that many days and no alone time...makes me wonky. If i did get alone time i felt guilty about it. I've decided 'family' vacation is not really a vacation for me. Also, for much of that time, I wasn't sleeping well due to the beds or to the lack of my Hub in one with me. sleeping arrangements were not at optimal for me.

Now we are back and i am trying to find my groove again. Summer throws me off kilter. the kids are home, there is no schedule. chaos is the order of the days.

and i am feeling very fat. I am sure i gained some weight on vacation. i am terrified to hop on the scale and see how much. i feel like jobba the hutt! I am irritable and moody and horny! i want to sleep all day and fuck all night. My sweet loving kids are annoying the hell out of me! I want to eat ice cream and slit my wrists. great combo, huh?

There is so much i NEED to do...and so little i WANT to do. and yes, i am taking my meds thankyouverymuch!

I want to scream and cry and be swept up and cuddled like a cranky baby. Only I am not a baby. I am a grown woman with responsibilities and duties. I am in what i call survival mode. I do what i have to do to be functional. I show up, fain fun, and then sink back in to a dark abyss.

I have been really well for a long time. Now......

well now I just don't know what I am. I get up, tend to the kidlets, play at keeping house (luckily my hub is lenient about his castle being spotless and his dinner being hot and ready). I got to the store, i get groceries. I show up when invited, etc. But the joy is gone. I don't WANT to do any of it. I want to not bathe, stay in my yoga pants and T shirt that i wore yesterday and slept in and just sleep...and eat ice cream. And yet...I get cranky when the Hub doesn't want to make crazy monkey love to me??? seriously. I wouldn't even want to come home at night if i were him.

I made a list yesterday of the things i think i need to do. Things that need to get done or things that i think would help me. but .... i can't seem to make myself get my ass in gear. sigh.

Just needed to vent. It is after all, my head space.

holly

What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

Ok, here goes...


I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.





a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just thoughts...so what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my case...it causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings out..work through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................


xoxo
holly

The Future's so bright....I've gotta wear shades.

Hey out there.

I have been kicking some things around in my head now for a while...really for a LONG while...but more so lately.

I have deleted almost all of my past blog entries, i hope you read what you wanted before i axed them. you were warned.

Stay tuned for a big announcement coming soon.

xoxo

holly

When anon isn't really anon...anymore

I have a couple of blogs rolling around in my head.

Things that could be really good discussion starters.

Only if i blog them, "they" will know. And be upset.

When people who read your blog are involved in your life, it sort of limits you. It doesn't matter if they started out here, and moved into your life, or moved from your life into your blog, i've got it both ways, its a mess.

You have to watch what you say. you can't vent. Well, you can, but not about them or they will get offended. I'd imagine if Hubman and Veronica had a really bad date with fellow bloggers, we'd never hear about it. It just wouldn't be right somehow.

It's not even that i have anything "bad" to say...its just that now my venting spot has become contaminated. I don't want to hurt feelings or ruin relationships by blogging the wrong thing. Back in the day of M i use to get in all sorts of trouble with him for making him look like an ass in my blog...well, if the shoe fits...

but seriously, he wasn't a blogger. There was no danger of anyone finding out who he was. You just can't safely blog about bloggers....or blog about people who read your blog in general. Someone will get hurt or take it wrong or something.

So in lieu of the blogs i'd like to blog...here's a blog about the bizarre-ness of not being able to blog due to your audience. Anyone else ever experienced this?

happy Thursday.

holly

xoxo

can't leave well enough alone.

ok, first day back and this is my second post. shrug. i have to vent and have no one to vent to.

first i'd like to say that i hate it when i think i am doing the right thing...and pushing and pushing and groping and trying my best to resolve an issue....and end up only making it worse because i should have just said what i had to say and left it alone.

you know who you are. If you read this, i am sorry. i am honestly not a stalker and i hope i haven't come on so strong that you decide you don't want me around.

i can't stand the anxiety that i have in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat. Why do things affect me this way? What's up with that? this should NOT be such an issue for me...but they are my feelings and i have to own them, feel them, hear what they are trying to tell me and then let them go.

sigh.
xox
holly