Monday, February 23, 2009

What's up here?

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about what to do and where to go with this blog. It is mine so I reason I can go anywhere I want with it … and if you don’t like it, then you are certainly not obligated to read it, right?

I feel that I have been sharing too much of myself…or maybe just too much of the wrong parts of myself, here. K knows what I write, and has never openly expressed anything negative about it…but I am beginning to feel like maybe I should keep parts of OUR life, between us. More private. Not just out there for the “whole world” to read.

This is sounding oddly like lalana’s post in her own blog.

I feel as if I have given too much, way too much of my life, and my time to this blog and blogsphere. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but there have been days, more than I’d like to admit, where I have spent literally hours pouring over blogs, reading, commenting, and writing myself.

Oddly it has been easy for me to talk about my sex life here, but I think it will be much harder for me to talk about my demons. The ones I am struggling with on a daily, or almost daily, basis.

I realized that the season of Lent is upon us. There are traditionally forty days in Lent which are marked by fasting and other acts of penance. The three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent are prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. In my traditon some people give up a vice of theirs, add something that will bring them closer to God, and often give the time or money spent doing that to charitable purposes or organizations. I have been mulling over what to give up. What I can give up that would be meaningful, not giving up something like hang gliding …which is what my Grandfather always said he gave up!
I have decided to give up blogging here for Lent. Use that time to get back on track with my family and my life. I have quite the obsessive personality, and it’s time for me to step back and reorganize my priorities.
I may check in on your blogs here and there, but not daily as I have done in the past and when I come back after Easter, I will have a summary blog for you that recounts the past two? three? years here for my new readers as well as some idea of the “new” direction of this blog!
Happy Lent and Happy Easter!

Friday, February 20, 2009

you people! you understand "maybe"???? its a hiatus...for a bit. don't give up ..i'll be back in some form...Keep a weather eye out!

and Becca had a good point..i hate unfinished business, hmpf! so here you go:
Day 20...i love Rob him if you need to..he rocks!
Day 21...I love Sage and all his straight talkin'...especially the politics
Day 22...I love those of you who have become friends to me and not mere comments.
Day 23...I love pizza.
Day 24...I love my house. It is all but perfect and I am so happy and lucky to have it.
Day 25...I love SM and the marks it leaves *grin*
Day 26...i love my BFF who i could NOT make it though life without. She knows everything about me, maybe even more than i have figured out about myself yet.
Day 27...I love that my kids are at their grandparents almost every Friday night!
Day 28...In the words of Toby Keith "i love this bar...its my kinda place." only instead of bar, it's this blogsphere and the people i've been touched by.
that's the end of the DOL.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

is this the end?


i love you all. i love blogging and i love the flirting and attention. i love reading about you and hearing your tales.

however, i have to step away.
Being here is not helping the reality of my marriage.
Being here is not helping me want sex any less, which is what i have to do now. I have to do what is best for him and for our marriage. I have to find the path that leads back to where i was three years ago. Mostly sexless.

I think that is the only way i can survive. Wanting things i cannot have hurts too much. hoping things will change is insanity. I am sure i'll be back but i dont know how or when.

take care and i wish you all the happiness and great sex in the world!


Friday, February 6, 2009

therapy stuff

ok so if you do more than look at the photos here you know i am in therapy. Tons of it. I really should be scary and damaged, but i really am not, i just got sick of my life being how it was and decided i needed to get off my ass and do something about it.
(yay go me!)
ok so my most recent "class" is about eating and food disorders. I was reading today and came across this. I thought it was very powerful so i wanted to share it and maybe someone out there will read it and it will help them out. Oddly this is from first published may 2008. Here goes:
At the heart of Cameron's classes is a technique called "morning pages," in which you rise early and write three longhand pages of absolutely anything -no thinking, no worrying, no dieting. Although Cameron instructs her students to write freely, she says people often use morning pages as an emotional outlet, one they were accustomed to finding in food. "you take a look at your fear, anxiety, and nervousness directly instead of eating something to squelch it, " she says. "you don't need to focus on it; it will just come up. Morning pages are remarkable in how they get to the underside of what's bothering you. "
And the more you give voice to your emotions, the less you'll need food to keep your real feelings quiet. "When you do morning pages, " says Cameron, "you start to take your likes and dislikes a little more seriously. It helps with speaking your mind."

Monday, February 2, 2009


i am uncomfortably numb. actually not so numb but filled with the emotions that i don't deal well with . The ones i usually stuff down and ignore with food. The ones i deny. I don't even know their names i have run from them so often. I do know how they feel. sort of empty and hollow in my gut...i guess that is why i want to eat, to try and fill that spot.

is it frustration? desperation? loneliness? depression? i'm not sure. what is it that this emotion is trying to tell me? if i don't eat to cover it up, then what do i do? how do i deal with this feeling?

i don't like it. Its uncomfortable.