Welcome back

Well here we go again! maybe....

If you're still out there..holler so i know you're around!

I am alive and well. Being 'back' here makes me wonder how all the long lost blogger peeps are. I'll never know I guess. That's the good/bad thing about blogging. It's anonymous and it isn't. You feel like it is, but then people find out and you get "busted" and have to leave the blogsphere and I never know what happened to ya! The blogs come down and you go on with your REAL LIFE and I always wonder what the heck happened to you! Maybe that's why I never have taken my blog down. I like to humor myself into thinking someone out there wonders on occasion what's happened to Holly and how she's doing. I wonder about Sage, and Coquette and others. I still pop in on occasion and check out some of you just to make sure you're still kicking {I promise I do!}

Well I think i might start this blog back up simply because I need a place to be "me" and I am not ready to air my dirty laundry and most secret feelings to the REAL WORLD yet.

So here's the catch up.....

I am blessed beyond measure to have the most amazing husband in the world. Do we still have problems, heck yes! {who doesn't?} He has been to hell, through it, and back with me and because of me. Yet, miraculously he is still by my side and still loves me! I have two healthy, amazing children who love me. I have a close group of good friends and family who love me. I have the BEST, best friend in all the world. She knows my dark side and loves me anyway. She's even brave enough to tell me when i am being an idiot! When i am mad and upset with my amazing hub, she even reminds me why I love him and why he is the most amazing man and that no one else in the whole world would put up with me and my crap! That right there is a good friend my peeps!

I don't know if you're new here or are perhaps someone who's an "old" reader who's wandered by because you thought you'd check in...but I would like to say "welcome" to my little space in the blogsphere. Sometimes it's dark here, and it is whiney and sometimes it's just me droning on to hear myself think. On occasion it might be a little bit sexy, perhaps inspiring or it just may suck. I don't know yet. I just know that today i wanted to start a blog about where I am now and where i want to be and i figured this space was as good as any! If you are looking for a little recap this is the best i can offer you.

So as i have said before in this blog, I struggle with weight issues. I am now probablly heavier than i was when i wrote that post, but I am scared to hop on the scales to find out. I have been inspired recently by some blogs by other fat girls or previously fat girls and at the age of 37, {really when did i get so old?} I have decided to do something about it again! Hopefully this time for good! My cousin is getting married in about 2 months and my family is going to see the Mouse in Florida at Christmas and I want to feel better before either of those things happen. I just went away with my girlfriends and bought new athletic shoes and sports bras...really, what am i waiting for?

Here are my immediate goals:

1. Cut myself down to 3 diet sodas a day {trust me i am currently consuming MUCH more}

2. Drink more {any?} water!

3. Keep a daily food log of WHAT and WHEN I am eating!

That's it....that's all I am going to do this week! small steps! they add up! Stating it off tomorrow! wish me luck and check back for my progress!

xoxox

Holly

therapy stuff

ok so if you do more than look at the photos here you know i am in therapy. Tons of it. I really should be scary and damaged, but i really am not, i just got sick of my life being how it was and decided i needed to get off my ass and do something about it.

(yay go me!)

ok so my most recent "class" is about eating and food disorders. I was reading today and came across this. I thought it was very powerful so i wanted to share it and maybe someone out there will read it and it will help them out. Oddly this is from Marthaswewart.com first published may 2008. Here goes:

At the heart of Cameron's classes is a technique called "morning pages," in which you rise early and write three longhand pages of absolutely anything -no thinking, no worrying, no dieting. Although Cameron instructs her students to write freely, she says people often use morning pages as an emotional outlet, one they were accustomed to finding in food. "you take a look at your fear, anxiety, and nervousness directly instead of eating something to squelch it, " she says. "you don't need to focus on it; it will just come up. Morning pages are remarkable in how they get to the underside of what's bothering you. "

And the more you give voice to your emotions, the less you'll need food to keep your real feelings quiet. "When you do morning pages, " says Cameron, "you start to take your likes and dislikes a little more seriously. It helps with speaking your mind."

uncomfortable

i am uncomfortably numb. actually not so numb but filled with the emotions that i don't deal well with . The ones i usually stuff down and ignore with food. The ones i deny. I don't even know their names i have run from them so often. I do know how they feel. sort of empty and hollow in my gut...i guess that is why i want to eat, to try and fill that spot.

is it frustration? desperation? loneliness? depression? i'm not sure. what is it that this emotion is trying to tell me? if i don't eat to cover it up, then what do i do? how do i deal with this feeling?

i don't like it. Its uncomfortable.

Friday with food!

OK so today is the lovely, talented and Charming ASM's virtual cookie exchange.
I will share with you today...the most amazing cookie recipe ever! People will beg you to make these and ask for the recipe!

I got this recipe from Christmas with SouthernLiving 1997 so yes, its been around for a while!

Heavenly Chocolate Chunk Cookies

2 cups plus 2 Tablespoons all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup butter or margarine
2 Tablespoons instant coffee granules
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg yolk
1 large egg
1 pkg semisweet chocolate mega (or any size you like) morsels
1 cup walnuts halves (or pecans)

Combine first 3 ingredients; stir well.

Combine butter and coffee granules in a small saucepan or skillet. cook over med-low heat until butter melts and coffee is dissolved stirring occasionally. remove from heat and let cool to room temp, but don't let butter harden.

Combine Butter mixture, sugar, egg and egg yolk in a large bowl. Beat at medium speed with electric mixer until blended. gradually add flour mixture beating at low speed just until blended. stir in morsels and nuts.

drop dough by heaping tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. bake at 325 for 12-14 minutes. let cool slightly on pan and remove to wire rack to cool completely.

yield 20 cookies.

ok, i make mine "regular" sized and always get about 3 dozen. trust me...these are good!