And Reality crashes in

AFter much consideration (as much as I could give it during my somewhat hectic and crazy day) I believe I've made a decision on this.I would greatly enjoy playing with you physically, as a toy, as an object to torment with pleasure- but emotionally, mentally, spiritually- I feel we'd be best to back it off a bit. There is great potential here between us, but until we can actually be around each other more - and more importantly until we can actually be around K. more- I feel that we are growing a relationship that is much like a plant with nothing to root in. Realistically looking at the situation I could very easily imagine continuing to train and guide you towards submission to me - but I don't know that that is fair to you - or to K.- as the commentary I've had from you (and as the Journal entry about your relationship with M. shows) -- K. is essentially your Dom. Like it or not you're his, you allow him to control who you can see, how you can see them and when you can see them- which really-- you're lucky to have! I think it's fantastic- but as a Dom on the outside looking in, all that I'm doing now is talking to you, taking up your time and neither of us is sure that it can, or will - go anywhere if we were ever given the opportunity to play.And even given that opportunity to play K. would, out of necessity of your situation- still be there and still be very much present in your mind.Basically I think I was feeling you were already spoken for- and after reading your extraordinarily well written (and exciting) letter about your journey - I sort of see that my place would be best - for me anyway - to acknowledge and treat you as if you fully have a Dominant, and may or may not be able to engage in more activities physically with me- depending on his permission and oversight. I just don't feel it would be healthy or either of us to continue to develop what could be a close emotional bond, only to find that K. doesn't approve of our play or is uncomfortable with me. Does that make sense to you?
-Him

he wounds her for the first time.

She sits in a big leather chair, delighted and excited that he chose to spend the evening with her. He never gets online as soon as hecomes in from work, and the fact that he did it, especially for her,makes her feel really special. They have been chatting for awhile as she works on her assignment for him and he looks for houses. Time passes. Once she finishes her assignment, she notices that he seems sort ofdistracted. She is ready to give and receive full, complete and undivided attention. She wonders if he could possibly still belooking at houses. It has been a while since he has commented on anyhe was looking at, still she is unsure.

her (7/1/2008 9:01:52 PM): still looking at houses orsearching for porn now?

him (7/1/2008 9:02:27 PM): oh I'm looking at porn

her(7/1/2008 9:02:37 PM): gotcha

her (7/1/2008 9:03:06 PM): sigh

him (7/1/2008 9:03:26 PM): what?

her(7/1/2008 9:03:31 PM): nothing

him (7/1/2008 9:03:48 PM): don't nothing it's something

her(7/1/2008 9:04:27 PM): I am just sighing at you and your porn and your evil little devil head. so nothing really

him (7/1/2008 9:04:41 PM): mmmhmmm

She is disappointed. She drops the first hint that she does not

approve of him watching porn when he's talking to her. Before when

she was distracted, she didn't mind, but now, she wants and perhaps

even needs his undivided attention.She bristles a little at him not catching the hint. He doesn't know how she feels about porn. He doesn't know about the wounds it has already caused in her life. Relax, she tells herself. It's his life,the way he is and you are not going to change it. Accept it and move on. She takes a deep breath and tries again.

her(7/1/2008 9:05:05 PM): hey we are about to go to the bedroom...hang on......it's a whirly trip...

him (7/1/2008 9:05:11 PM): ok

her (7/1/2008 9:06:44 PM): I got sunburned

him (7/1/2008 9:06:53 PM): oh no!

her(7/1/2008 9:08:53 PM): oh yes

him (7/1/2008 9:08:59 PM): wow. sexy

her(7/1/2008 9:09:49 PM): huuh?

him (7/1/2008 9:09:58 PM): you getting ready for bed

him (7/1/2008 9:10:03 PM): don't need my porn sites

her (7/1/2008 9:10:05 PM): whoopee

She hopes that catching a glimpse of her in various states of dress or undress as it were will capture his attention. It works but only momentarily. She is about to try and engage him in some sexy conversation, so perhaps she can gain his full attention, but she hears her husband coming to bed. She tries to let him know that she is about to be joined by her husband, no longer alone, no longerable to give all her attention to him. Then she realizes he hasn't noticed he has her full attention because she doesn't have his.

him(7/1/2008 9:11:14 PM): I liked watching you get dressed

him (7/1/2008 9:11:21 PM): don't knock it

him (7/1/2008 9:11:26 PM): it was a good thing

her (7/1/2008 9:11:32 PM): if you say so

him (7/1/2008 9:11:43 PM): I do

her (7/1/2008 9:11:48 PM): ok then

her(7/1/2008 9:12:03 PM): K. crashed the server on his game

him (7/1/2008 9:12:27 PM): yikes

her(7/1/2008 9:12:42 PM): I guess I will let you go do ...whatever with your porn and your window and what not.

her(7/1/2008 9:12:53 PM): thanks for hanging with me for awhile

She decides that it is best to end their conversations for the evening. She doesn't want to compete with the porn. She knows she will loose. Her husband is coming to bed and she feels she should spend some time with him before they go to sleep. She starts saying good night.

him (7/1/2008 9:13:09 PM): I'm actually enjoying having you watching me

her (7/1/2008 9:13:13 PM): why

him (7/1/2008 9:13:16 PM): even if you don't see the lower half

her (7/1/2008 9:13:24 PM): you are sitting there staring at another screen

her (7/1/2008 9:13:30 PM): eh it's not about me

him (7/1/2008 9:13:37 PM): I'm watching you watch me

him (7/1/2008 9:13:43 PM): and enjoying knowing that you are there

her (7/1/2008 9:13:44 PM): you're watching porn!

her (7/1/2008 9:13:47 PM): not me

her(7/1/2008 9:13:49 PM): silly man

him (7/1/2008 9:13:50 PM): and thinking and wondering about what I'm doing

her(7/1/2008 9:14:01 PM): you're sitting there

him(7/1/2008 9:14:05 PM): but you are there

him (7/1/2008 9:14:08 PM): um

him(7/1/2008 9:14:24 PM): not just sitting

her(7/1/2008 9:14:35 PM): but THAT"S not me...that's the porn

him(7/1/2008 9:14:47 PM): but it IS you

him(7/1/2008 9:14:51 PM): you're missing the point I guess

her (7/1/2008 9:14:58 PM): apparently

He starts indicating that he is enjoying her presence. She is confused. She had really been feeling like he was doing her a favor by chatting with her, that he'd rather be doing something else. She also realizes that her husband, who has now joined her in bed, has gotten his curiosity piqued by the conversation going on between them. He knows about the porn, what it does to her, how it makes herf eel. He is curious to see how this plays out, what she does and how he responds. Will this other man, this new man, pass the `test' or will he fail miserably and hurt his wife? Will she cry? Will he have to comfort her? Will she get mad and let him have it or remain cool and calm as she has been so far, almost casual in her hints that he is apparently missing.

her (7/1/2008 9:16:37 PM): so what's the point

him(7/1/2008 9:16:55 PM): the point is that I'm enjoying you watching, and enjoying watching you

her(7/1/2008 9:17:18 PM): BUT YOU ARE NOT WATCHING ME THAT MUCH

him(7/1/2008 9:17:48 PM): =p

her (7/1/2008 9:18:03 PM): you are totally not even paying attention to me

him (7/1/2008 9:18:12 PM): yes I am

She knows he's not because of the lag time between comments. A few long seconds watching someone, anticipating their next move can be very telling.

him(7/1/2008 9:19:12 PM): I like seeing you there

him (7/1/2008 9:19:18 PM): and thinking bad things

her(7/1/2008 9:19:22 PM): amidst the porn?

him (7/1/2008 9:19:47 PM): yes amongst the porn

her (7/1/2008 9:20:05 PM): I don't like being surrounded by porn

him(7/1/2008 9:20:17 PM): ok

Her last ditch effort to get his undivided attention. He cuts her cam off and she knows she has lost. The porn has won and all the pain and hurt and anger come flooding back into her from the old wounds she has been trying to keep buried. She is hurt, and angry.He has sliced, perhaps unknowingly, but sliced nonetheless, into her frail ego. Another wound from porn to join the others in her psyche. She gives up.

her (7/1/2008 9:21:49 PM): you killed my cam

him (7/1/2008 9:22:20 PM): yep

her(7/1/2008 9:22:23 PM): and you are still staring at the porn and not paying attention

her (7/1/2008 9:22:42 PM): so you go enjoy your porn and just forget about me

him (7/1/2008 9:23:05 PM): terribly sorry that that is what you think

her(7/1/2008 9:23:29 PM): terribly sorry that is how you behaved....what else am I supposed to think

her(7/1/2008 9:23:31 PM): ttyl

her(7/1/2008 9:23:32 PM): night

him (7/1/2008 9:23:43 PM): night

She had hoped he would defend himself. Explain to her somehow why his choice had been the porn and not her. Her heart sinks and all she can think is that now, she may never talk to this man again.That hurts her. She realizes that he may think she is being childish, foolish, whiney, but he doesn't know what's in her head.What's in her soul. How he has hurt her. Surely if he did he would have said something and not just let her go feeling so hurt.Her husband has left to deal with children who have gotten up in the middle of the night. Bless that man. He is truly amazing. She laysi n bed alone for a few minutes and her anger seethes winning out, or perhaps joining, her hurt, growing stronger.

9:27

her: fyi I am now officially upset

him: I figured that out

him: and I am as well

her: yeah and that makes me even more upset

him: well I'm sorry to upset you with my upset ness

her: no, I am upset more because you know I am upset and don't give a damn

him: actually I DO give a damn

him: and you're putting words into my mouth

her: I am not putting any thing in your mouth

him: then don'tassume I don't give a damn

her: my statements are based solely on your behaviors

him: ok hotforgreys: and one would assume if you gave a damn you would act like it

him: and how would I act if I gave a damn?

her: and I can't even fathom why you would be upset with me

him:did I say I was upset with you? or just upset?

her:well u wouldn't let me leave feeling rejected if u gave a damn

her: ok, just upset

her: fine

her: still have no idea y u would be upset

him: I'm upset because I hurt your feelings or left you feeling rejected

him: that's why I'm upset

her:then why didn't you do something about it?

She is amazed at what he is saying. If he knew she was upset,hurting, why didn't he try to make her feel better? Her hurt growseven more now, knowing that he let her go to bed feeling rejected.

him: because you said goodnight and logged off.f or all I knew you'd shut your laptop down and gone to bed mad

her: and you didn't know I was hurt and feeling rejected until two mins ago when I told you

her: and I NEVER log out of this IM

him: you don't appear to be logged in right now

her: I just go invis and I expressly told u that

him: or are at least invisible

him: you did tell me that- but you also said goodnight and were last seen in your Pjs in bed

her: and I waited 2 see what you said before I went invis to give you a chance to say something and you didn't

her: you just said goodnight'

him: I didn't know what to say

him: I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings

him: and not given you the amount of attention you desired

(a full 10 second pause here…it is long and she wonders if he is finished)

him: or deserved

(it feels like an afterthoughtto her. Like he is tossing a treat to a puppy to shut it up. Not like he really means it. If he thought she was deserving of more attention, there wouldn't have been that pause and he would have given her the attention in the first place)

her: well I am sure that is my fault for wanting and expecting too much

her: I should have let you go do you thing earlier I guess instead of wanting you to spend time with me

him: I was enjoying talking to you

him: and I wanted to talk to you

her: well obviously not enough to give me your undivided attention which I selfishly hoped for since you were at home alone

him:So because I was pleasuring myself and talking to you at the same time- I'm being punished?

her: no, because you were watching, reading, giving you attention, and seemingly most of it,to something else I am hurt

him: *listens*

her: and the something else not being work or a live person in your presence

her: so you giving more attention to whatever, esp. porn, more so than to me,,, that something imo being trivial, makes me feel rejected, unwanted, even more trivial than I see the other thing as, and hurt

She tries to make her point. She tries to make him understand. She hopes he does. All she wants to hear is that she is more important to him than the porn. That he is sorry and that if it bothers her he won't watch porn when he is talking to her anymore. She knows she is hoping for too much. She waits on his response. It doesn't come quick and she wonders if he is thinking or busy watching porn.

him: I understand - I think- where you are comingfrom

him: and I'm sorry to make you feel that way- I certainly didn't intend to reject you or make you feel unwanted byme- because I do want you

him: and you are certainly not trivial to me

him: having you on screen and at hand in conversation while I am masturbating is a treat for me him: because I can *and was* looking and thinking about you

him: and putting you in place of what I waswatching

him: just as you suggested with the 9 and a half weeks video

him: when you said "imaginethat's me"

her: only because u said u didn't like Kim

him: well that's fine.

him: but that's what was going on in my head

She is intrigued by his answer. She contemplates it. She lets itwash over her and she sort of understands but there is still something bothering her.

her: but when you actually have Me there if you want to masturbate to me or about me,,,hello I am there why do u need the other?

her: I venture to say you can imagine fairly well on your own

him: I can imagine extremely well on my own.

her: then y do u need the porn?

her: whenu have access 2 me

She will never understand men who opt for porn when they have a live woman at their disposal. That is her wound. It is deep as it has been carved into her many many times. She feels like she is infinitesimally small compared to perfect bodies and fake boobs. It makes her feel like even less of a woman than she normally does.

him: to be honest I wasn't sure you wanted to know what I was doing

him: or be a part of it

him: so I was trying to include you the best way I knew how

her: well u let me know any way

him:I did hotforgreys: I'd rather you engage me in someway, or at least give me that option and let me say no, I'll pass you do that on your own

her: than have you watching porn when you could be giving me undivided attention and I you

her: it feels like I am not enough for you

her:and lets face it in many ways I am not but I'd like to think that I was better than porn because at least I can respond to you

her: in some way

him: you are better than porn, and it would be nice for you to interact with me that way- but as I said- I wasn't sure what your comfort level was and I'm sorry Ididn't ask to find out

her: I mean if you lead me down a path I am most likely going to follow

him: andI'm sorry to give you the impression that you are not enough for me, I can understand why you would be concerned about that considering your recent experiences

(she is not really sure what he means bythis, but she lets it go, she doesn't want to follow another rabbithole now, not tonight)

her: and I did everything but stand on my head and shout PLEASE TURN off the damn porn and pay attention to me

her:I even tried to let you go, and you didn't want that

her: I tried to get out before I got really upset but you wouldn't let me and then you cut off my cam instead of the porn and that was like pouring salt in an open wound

His wife comes home. She knows the conversation has come to an end.He has stated his side and she has to accept it and move on as best she can. She takes a deep breath and tries to let it go. Her husband is still dealing with waking children in the other room who are refusing to sleep.

him: I'm sorry to have upset you

him: or let you down

hers: you don't seem sorry, but I know you have to go so ...yeah I don't know what to say

him: again- I don't know how you want me to "seem" sorry

hers: well you just keep saying you are sorry and not actually reassuring me that I am preferred over the porn or justifying why you chose it over me or anything

her: or explaining why I wasn't allowed your undivided attention, at least for a while

him: well try to understand that in mymind I wasn't choosing it "over" you- I was simply enjoying it andyou in my own unique way

her: by cutting my cam off and continuing to watch the porn and to give it more attention than you were giving me?

him: you said something to the effect of not wanting to be surrounded by porn, so I closed your cam so as not tooffend you

him: in hindsight I see that the opposite might have been better

her: well I thought obviously that you understood that I meant turn off the freaking porn and give ME your attention not it

him: I didn't understand that, and I do now

him: when it's too late to do much about it

him: I'm just a silly boy. sorry to trouble you with all this

him: I should go help M. go through these houses

her: well, like I said, I tried to let you go when it became obvious to me that you were more into it than in to me and you didn't let me do that

her: you made your choice.

her: so

her:whatever

her: happy house hunting tell M. hi from me

him: goodnight.

She still felt empty. She didn't know how she felt or what to do. She really didn't know how he felt. Part of her felt silly, but the larger part of her was wounded from the whole ordeal. She lay alonei n bed and her thoughts turned to her husband. Her kind sweet husband who was dealing with unruly kids at 10 o'clock at night instead of sleeping so she could argue with some other man about porn and the amount of attention he was or wasn't giving her.She took a deep breath and chanted "I am K's beautiful wife" ten times to herself. She tried to chant the other thought, the one He wanted her to say, the one that had been flowing through her body all day, " I am His…." but she couldn't finish it. She didn'tf eel it. Her husband returned to bed. "Did you work things out?" he asked. "Not so much" she confessed and secretly wondered if he had already forgotten it, put it out of his mind as a finished event as she lay here still confused and hurting. Her husband wrapped her up in his arms, "I am sorry. I don't like to see you hurt, even when it's not me who's doing the hurting." She snuggled into him, feeling his warmth around her, "I'll be fine" she assured him. They went to sleep.The next morning when he got up to get ready for work, she looked at her computer to see if perhaps he had thought about it any more and left her a message. Nothing was there and she drifted back into sleep a little sadder than she had been upon initially waking. As her husband gently woke her to tell her goodbye, he said, "I hope you two work things out today. I love you. " She reveled in amazementat her husband and how wonderful he was as she drifted back to sleep.

About last night....

I had a DATE!!!! *insert big goofy grin here* An almost blind date and i was a total wreck before hand...and babbled most of the evening from nervousness. I think i passed the "test" though and we will see each other again. Next time...the Hubby comes along to meet him too! K. couldn't go last night because we needed someone to keep the kids and as my date lives 3 hours away, but was in town on other business, i persuaded K. that the opportunity to meet him shouldn't be passed up. We were supposed to meet at a book store for coffee, but he ended up taking me to a nice place to eat instead. Apparently he was hungry! It was a short evening, as he had to go back across town to pick up his wife and head home...but i think it was a good start.
The key is going to be balance. Not letting me run away with things and remembering that K. is my first priority!
hugs and kisses
Holly

after therapy...

OK, K. and i have had the best week together that i think we have had in ages. I can tell we are both really trying and putting in the effort for each other and it is paying off in a HUGE way!
I am working on an art project that forced me to dig through some old..and i mean OLD journals...and i found some serious patterns in my life and also found how absolutely head over heels in love and smitten i was with K. when we first met. It is nice to go back and relive that time, revisit the new relationship energy we had soooo very long ago!
I talked to the therapist this week about M. and my resurgence of feelings toward him and how i was still unable to force myself to make a finite decision on having him in my life and playing with him. The therapist said she was concerned mostly because I wouldn't make a decision...and then i told her that what my actual decision was: that i wanted to play with M. one more time and see how it was, is it good, how does it affect everyone, etc. She didn't scream at me like Alexa... she seemed to that that for me, that would be ok. I am not sure i will play with him. I just don't know but i am not WHATEVER enough to close the door on it yet...i want to try it and see because i am still holding out hope that it can be good and not harmful.
Right now i am not focusing or worrying about that ...i am focusing on K. and i and enjoying our life.

update

i have therapy in the morning, curious to see where that takes me. M. and L. did NOT break up, which is what i expected. He says that he is "free" to play with me though. We talked a bit about that and i basically told him when he had free time to play with me, if he wanted to, then he should ask me if i could. I don't' expect that to really happen. I'd like it to, but i don't think it will.

I am struggling with the WHAT it is that keeps me clinging to M. like a life raft on a sinking ship! It has to be something he represents or something i have associated with him. I just can't figure it out.

I know i should walk away....but i can't. Not yet anyway.

headed to bed to spend some quality time with K. maybe i will update you after therapy tomorrow.

always

holly

where's my crack pipe?

I feel like i am smoking crack. Ok, i don't' really know how that feels, but i imagine something like my head feels right now....very confused. I have just had all these amazing break throughs about my feelings for M. and what not and now with this stuff going on between him and L. ....all my old feelings are coming back. Its like even though i rationally know i can't have my old spot back...there is a part of me that wants it. so i am fighting with myself trying to figure out WHY i want to go back to that place. I can remember all the 'bad' things. Its not as if i have glamorized it in my memory. I know that K. won't allow me to go back to that place. I know that M. won't let me go back to that place. I know that it is bad for me to be in that place. Yet i still want it!!! WTF?
Yes, i put in a lot of work and effort into the relationship i had with M. Yes, i broke down/through some walls he had built to protect himself. Yes, i care for him a lot....but is he "ALL THAT"? no, not for me. it goes back to the amazing and plentiful differences we have. I mean he is a great guy, but we just don't have much in common. So why do i care if i am important to him? why can't i just not care? why can't i just be content with being a friend to him? WHY do i want him to want me, knowing it will just cause us both pain and anguish because he can't have me?
I don't think this is about M. per se. I know i have said that before...it is about HIM in the big, global sense of 'the other man'. why do i need attention/affection/adoration from someone other than K.?
Things have been actually going fairly well, between K and i...aside from a few bumps in the road. We have talked those out though and i am feeling pretty good about 'us' right now. This weekend has re shown me why i feel in love with him in the first place. how much we have in common or at least that he can appreciate certain facets about me that i don't' think many men would 'get' like he does. We have had some really great sex in the past few days...so nothing to complain about there. He has really tried to be more affectionate toward me, kissing me when he comes in after work, petting me at night before bed, etc.
I just don't understand why i can't let go of 'what was' with M. and i completely. Even when, two weeks ago, he was content and happy as a clam with L...or so i thought anyway...i was still holding out and hoping that there might be some future for us in the playing realm.
I have tried to convince myself and anyone who would listen that i COULD play with him in a casual way and not become attached or possessive or jealous of whatever hottie he is dating. Here's the problem. I don't know that for sure. i believe that if i feel special to him, and actually feel that i am valuable to him and he wants me to be in his life that way...that i can be content with being a friend with benefits..in our own special sense.
However....because of his box system and his guardedness...i don't know that he can or will let me "in" when we are playing. so will i feel like he is only there to help me out? doing it as a favor for a friend? and why do i think that is a bad reason for doing something? just this weekend i spent several hours baking to help a friend out..not bc i really wanted to bake, but because i wanted to help the friend who had asked for help. does that make it any less kind? any less valid?
so in that realm, i am not looking just for a friend to 'help me out' ...i am wanting a connection. an emotional connection, even if it is for a limited time. i am wanting to feel like i am desired by him. Even if we strip the sex away from it...i am wanting him to WANT to play with me. To want to be with me in that way, to want to connect with me like that. to WANT me. but the eternal question is why?!?!?!
I still don't know. BAH!

always
holly

Its my blog and i'll whine if i want to!

ok, just a rant to get things out of my head. K. and i had a huge fight the other night, which ended with a pretty fun wrestling match...good for getting out aggression. Things are not "fine" but they are tolerable. We are having a 'date' on Friday night.
Things with M. are what's confusing me now. It appears that he and L. maybe done with their relationship. As far as i am concerned...the verdict is still out. I personally don't think its a great match for either of them, but i don't actually know L. so who am i to say? Anyway he went and gave her a sort of ultimatum last night...so we'll see what she does.
Anyway...the point being that the possibility of M. being single again has brought up things in my head that i had stored away for a while. i know and he knows that i cannot go back to the place that i was pre- L. it was damaging to all of us! Also i don't want to go through the heartbreak again when he starts dating the next person. I feel like K. and i are at a very fragile place right now. K. said that he didn't want M. petting me! how that came up is another story intertwined in this one..but not so important as the fact that K. said what he did.
to complicate things...M. is coming over tonight for me to help him with some baking and possibly to watch a movie depending on time. I still desperately want him to want me. i want to know that he would want me if i were 'available'. I guess because i still don't feel all that 'wanted' by K. I mean appreciated, sure..he thinks i am a fab nanny and housekeeper..but i don't feel like he sees me as a woman, a lover, a person. conversely, i think that is exactly how M. sees me...i mean yes, he sees me be a mother and wife...but i am not the mother to his kids nor am i his housekeeper so while he can appreciate that facet of me...he doesn't view me through the lens of that. I am just a girl. there is a great song by Kenny Chesney that says something like :
I 've Been gophering, cheufering, company chairman,
coffee maker , Copy repair man.
any more there ain't nothing I swear man
That I don't do
I've been juggle'n, struggle'n, close'n big deals
Dancin backwards in high heels
Just when it feels, that I can't make it though
She said it sure is nice to just be the woman with you
She said, the girl I was with a bussiness degree,
probably wouldn't recogonize me
I was gonna run the bank I was gonna run the map
Now all I want to run is a bubble bath

Back then you know I had this plan
Before all this reality set in
here comes life boy ready or not
hey I wanted it all and thats what I got....

anyway...i want some time and space to "just be the woman" and i don't feel like i get that with K. Maybe its bc our relationship is so faceted. It includes all that other stuff. maybe it is bc i am still at work when i am with him. i think it is about me as well and not just him. With M. things are simple...in essence. I am just the woman and i can let go. I mean nothing is simple about having a second relationship...but that relationship in and of itself was simple. Now, i know i can't go back there...not and preserve my marriage. But i do wonder and long for a way to have periodically some small part of that. maybe a play date on occasion with carefully constructed rules and limits. There's no way to know how that would go until it happens. I am not even sure that M. is still interested in it. I know he is concerned about injuring me again or my marriage.
I just have this incessant need to rebel and push limits. Some days i feel 15!

always
holly