Saturday, July 24, 2010

whine, bitch and moan

can you just wake up one day and be bi-polar? After years of just garden variety depression, can you wake up one day and realize that you are in and if you ARE bi-polar...are you even sane enough to realize it?

these are the thoughts I am pondering at the moment. Grab a cuppa and i'll tell you why....

(riveted aren't you? I thought so)

so for the past several weeks, however long since my last post, plus a bit...i have been spiraling down lower and lower. the drop left me on day actually having to FORCE myself out of bed...not to carry on with life, but because my Mother was coming over to go 'with us' swimming and it seemed less painful to fake it for a few hours than to stay in bed and TRY to explain why i was there. Got up, got ready as you need to haul your ass and two kids to the pool for a few hours....found myself laying by the pool, cleverly disguised as a mom who was catching some rays...but inside; I was a mess. I was silently crying behind my shades, and "woke up" from a daze several times realizing that i hadn't been breathing. Now, maybe i am nuts, but i wasn't aware you had to think about breathing...i thought the brain took care of that itself.

That day seemed to be the bottom of the pit. Short of hauling it to the store for razor blades, which just frankly seemed like too much work, I really couldn't and didn't get any lower.

A few days later....i seemed back to my "normal" self. The past three days i was ...well, manic seems perhaps too strong a word...but way up for me. Totally kickin' it, getting things done. full of energy and creativity.

Today...bleh. headed back down in that pit. All i can think is WTF!??!

And YES, i am medicated, and yes, i am taking the pills. I can't find anything especially to trigger either spiral (up or down). WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? So today i am wondering if NOW, i might be bi-polar. Is that even possible?


Anonymous said...

I tend to caution against self-diagnosis as it makes the job of an actual psychiatrist more difficult as the patient will attempt to fit their behaviour to the diagnosis they feel fits them best.

You may be bipolar. You certainly seem to have some of the signs. However as with most disorders there is a spectrum, and experiencing bipolar symptoms may not in and of itself be indicative of your brain actually being bipolar.

I think you need to talk to whoever prescribes your meds and let them know its not working. Its possible a different drug combination, or more intensive therapy could help you more. I'd also suggest some serious guided introspection, which I guess is just a way of saying to get some real therapy, not just a prescription for pills.

Ultimatly what makes you unhappy? You have kids you love, an understanding husband, and a life you chose. Thats not to say you should be happy, there are no 'shoulds' in the world, but it does raise the question as to what is keeping you from your happiness, and what steps you could take to achieve it.

Reflex said...

Unbroken's blog has gone private. My money says that he finally went ahead with his long planned affair. Its what he wanted, and the invitees to the blog are likely the enablers.