Monday, June 28, 2010

Back from bliss...

So, when i am safe and whole and sane...i don't hang around here much. I don't need the outlet.

But, when i get down and cracked and broken; hungry for more and needy....I come back. Its like a drug I guess. Maybe it is just easier for me to type these days than to drag out a pen and my journal.


I am just down. In a funk. Needy. Not sure why.

ok, that's sort of a lie. I do have an idea, several ideas as to why. I just got back from 12 days of vacation, with my kids, and my parents. love them all, but that many days and no alone time...makes me wonky. If i did get alone time i felt guilty about it. I've decided 'family' vacation is not really a vacation for me. Also, for much of that time, I wasn't sleeping well due to the beds or to the lack of my Hub in one with me. sleeping arrangements were not at optimal for me.

Now we are back and i am trying to find my groove again. Summer throws me off kilter. the kids are home, there is no schedule. chaos is the order of the days.

and i am feeling very fat. I am sure i gained some weight on vacation. i am terrified to hop on the scale and see how much. i feel like jobba the hutt! I am irritable and moody and horny! i want to sleep all day and fuck all night. My sweet loving kids are annoying the hell out of me! I want to eat ice cream and slit my wrists. great combo, huh?
There is so much i NEED to do...and so little i WANT to do. and yes, i am taking my meds thankyouverymuch!
I want to scream and cry and be swept up and cuddled like a cranky baby. Only I am not a baby. I am a grown woman with responsibilities and duties. I am in what i call survival mode. I do what i have to do to be functional. I show up, fain fun, and then sink back in to a dark abyss.
I have been really well for a long time. Now......
well now I just don't know what I am. I get up, tend to the kidlets, play at keeping house (luckily my hub is lenient about his castle being spotless and his dinner being hot and ready). I got to the store, i get groceries. I show up when invited, etc. But the joy is gone. I don't WANT to do any of it. I want to not bathe, stay in my yoga pants and T shirt that i wore yesterday and slept in and just sleep...and eat ice cream. And yet...I get cranky when the Hub doesn't want to make crazy monkey love to me??? seriously. I wouldn't even want to come home at night if i were him.
I made a list yesterday of the things i think i need to do. Things that need to get done or things that i think would help me. but .... i can't seem to make myself get my ass in gear. sigh.
Just needed to vent. It is after all, my head space.