Saturday, July 24, 2010

whine, bitch and moan

can you just wake up one day and be bi-polar? After years of just garden variety depression, can you wake up one day and realize that you are in and if you ARE bi-polar...are you even sane enough to realize it?

these are the thoughts I am pondering at the moment. Grab a cuppa and i'll tell you why....

(riveted aren't you? I thought so)

so for the past several weeks, however long since my last post, plus a bit...i have been spiraling down lower and lower. the drop left me on day actually having to FORCE myself out of bed...not to carry on with life, but because my Mother was coming over to go 'with us' swimming and it seemed less painful to fake it for a few hours than to stay in bed and TRY to explain why i was there. Got up, got ready as you need to haul your ass and two kids to the pool for a few hours....found myself laying by the pool, cleverly disguised as a mom who was catching some rays...but inside; I was a mess. I was silently crying behind my shades, and "woke up" from a daze several times realizing that i hadn't been breathing. Now, maybe i am nuts, but i wasn't aware you had to think about breathing...i thought the brain took care of that itself.

That day seemed to be the bottom of the pit. Short of hauling it to the store for razor blades, which just frankly seemed like too much work, I really couldn't and didn't get any lower.

A few days later....i seemed back to my "normal" self. The past three days i was ...well, manic seems perhaps too strong a word...but way up for me. Totally kickin' it, getting things done. full of energy and creativity.

Today...bleh. headed back down in that pit. All i can think is WTF!??!

And YES, i am medicated, and yes, i am taking the pills. I can't find anything especially to trigger either spiral (up or down). WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? So today i am wondering if NOW, i might be bi-polar. Is that even possible?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Back from bliss...

So, when i am safe and whole and sane...i don't hang around here much. I don't need the outlet.

But, when i get down and cracked and broken; hungry for more and needy....I come back. Its like a drug I guess. Maybe it is just easier for me to type these days than to drag out a pen and my journal.


I am just down. In a funk. Needy. Not sure why.

ok, that's sort of a lie. I do have an idea, several ideas as to why. I just got back from 12 days of vacation, with my kids, and my parents. love them all, but that many days and no alone time...makes me wonky. If i did get alone time i felt guilty about it. I've decided 'family' vacation is not really a vacation for me. Also, for much of that time, I wasn't sleeping well due to the beds or to the lack of my Hub in one with me. sleeping arrangements were not at optimal for me.

Now we are back and i am trying to find my groove again. Summer throws me off kilter. the kids are home, there is no schedule. chaos is the order of the days.

and i am feeling very fat. I am sure i gained some weight on vacation. i am terrified to hop on the scale and see how much. i feel like jobba the hutt! I am irritable and moody and horny! i want to sleep all day and fuck all night. My sweet loving kids are annoying the hell out of me! I want to eat ice cream and slit my wrists. great combo, huh?
There is so much i NEED to do...and so little i WANT to do. and yes, i am taking my meds thankyouverymuch!
I want to scream and cry and be swept up and cuddled like a cranky baby. Only I am not a baby. I am a grown woman with responsibilities and duties. I am in what i call survival mode. I do what i have to do to be functional. I show up, fain fun, and then sink back in to a dark abyss.
I have been really well for a long time. Now......
well now I just don't know what I am. I get up, tend to the kidlets, play at keeping house (luckily my hub is lenient about his castle being spotless and his dinner being hot and ready). I got to the store, i get groceries. I show up when invited, etc. But the joy is gone. I don't WANT to do any of it. I want to not bathe, stay in my yoga pants and T shirt that i wore yesterday and slept in and just sleep...and eat ice cream. And yet...I get cranky when the Hub doesn't want to make crazy monkey love to me??? seriously. I wouldn't even want to come home at night if i were him.
I made a list yesterday of the things i think i need to do. Things that need to get done or things that i think would help me. but .... i can't seem to make myself get my ass in gear. sigh.
Just needed to vent. It is after all, my head space.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

what's the back story...

I just wanted to say that if you stumble across this blog and haven't had the "joy" {lol} of being here from the beginning....the back story is missing.


if you are like me, and i am sure someone is, you like to go back to the beginning and read the whole story.

I deleted it. If you read the post below, maybe you will understand why. Maybe not. Sometimes i wish it was still there, for me, but I deleted it, much like i do everything with much passion! lol.

I left a VERY few things behind, but most of what i left won't tell you much. I recapped the highlights below.

I think I am done posting here.

I like that last post, so i don't know if i will delete the blog or leave it here. If you stop by, let me know what you think. Should it stay or should it go now?