Saturday, July 24, 2010

whine, bitch and moan

can you just wake up one day and be bi-polar? After years of just garden variety depression, can you wake up one day and realize that you are in and if you ARE bi-polar...are you even sane enough to realize it?

these are the thoughts I am pondering at the moment. Grab a cuppa and i'll tell you why....

(riveted aren't you? I thought so)

so for the past several weeks, however long since my last post, plus a bit...i have been spiraling down lower and lower. the drop left me on day actually having to FORCE myself out of bed...not to carry on with life, but because my Mother was coming over to go 'with us' swimming and it seemed less painful to fake it for a few hours than to stay in bed and TRY to explain why i was there. Got up, got ready as you need to haul your ass and two kids to the pool for a few hours....found myself laying by the pool, cleverly disguised as a mom who was catching some rays...but inside; I was a mess. I was silently crying behind my shades, and "woke up" from a daze several times realizing that i hadn't been breathing. Now, maybe i am nuts, but i wasn't aware you had to think about breathing...i thought the brain took care of that itself.

That day seemed to be the bottom of the pit. Short of hauling it to the store for razor blades, which just frankly seemed like too much work, I really couldn't and didn't get any lower.

A few days later....i seemed back to my "normal" self. The past three days i was ...well, manic seems perhaps too strong a word...but way up for me. Totally kickin' it, getting things done. full of energy and creativity.

Today...bleh. headed back down in that pit. All i can think is WTF!??!

And YES, i am medicated, and yes, i am taking the pills. I can't find anything especially to trigger either spiral (up or down). WHAT THE CRAP?!?!? So today i am wondering if NOW, i might be bi-polar. Is that even possible?