What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

Ok, here goes...


I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.





a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just thoughts...so what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my case...it causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings out..work through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................


xoxo
holly

stuff

so i said i wasn't going to blog everyday....oh well .

So i have issues with anxiety. i tend to be very anxious. Anxiety is a very uncomfortable feeling for me so i try to avoid it when possible. Not that i can really control being anxious, but i do things to numb the feeling of it. I use to smoke. so i would chain smoke when i was anxious about something.
But i finally quit smoking, except for a few social situations, so that's out. Even when i did smoke, i was a closet smoker so i couldn't always rely on that to help ease my anxiety. My other drug of choice is food. I've noticed when i am anxious about things, i tend to eat by the hand fulls. M&Ms, nuts, Jelly Beans, chocolate chips, potato chips, whatever i can get my hands on and if it is crunchy all the better.
As the anxiety continues, the more hand fulls i eat. the more i eat, the worse i feel, even though it does alleviate some of the anxiety.
Part of the problem is that i am a talker. I like to talk things out. Its how i process. Maybe that is why i blog. Its talking to me. getting my ideas out there so i can look at them and process them. however i still don't like to feel them so i stuff them down with food. i bury them because i can't sit with them.
I need to invite them in and sit them down to tea. Maybe they would tell me what i need to know and then move on. Maybe i wouldn't feel them like a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat if i was more familiar with my uncomfortable emotions.

Back to anxiety and me...i know there are times when i have to wait. Things i can't control. People who need time and space. People who are *gasp* different than I am. People who deal differently. I know there are answers i don't want to hear and realities i don't want to face. It's part of life and i have to find healthier ways to deal, right?

xox
holly

can't leave well enough alone.

ok, first day back and this is my second post. shrug. i have to vent and have no one to vent to.

first i'd like to say that i hate it when i think i am doing the right thing...and pushing and pushing and groping and trying my best to resolve an issue....and end up only making it worse because i should have just said what i had to say and left it alone.

you know who you are. If you read this, i am sorry. i am honestly not a stalker and i hope i haven't come on so strong that you decide you don't want me around.

i can't stand the anxiety that i have in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat. Why do things affect me this way? What's up with that? this should NOT be such an issue for me...but they are my feelings and i have to own them, feel them, hear what they are trying to tell me and then let them go.

sigh.
xox
holly