Friday, May 29, 2009

What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

Ok, here goes...

I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.

a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................



Riff Dog said...

I don't think anyone is going to say, "they are just what?!" If you have these thoughts and if you feel this way, then it's important and it's real.

Holly Golightly said...

thanks Riff!

ReflexVE said...

Oddly enough, I've been checking this blog almost daily. I know you don't really believe I read it, but I do. Honestly, this is the first post that has made me feel like you might be a person that I have something important to say to. I don't want to come across harshly, but your blog previously just seemed like a big game you played with the world, a little bit tittilating, a little bit kinky, a little bit edgy, but not really you.

I enjoyed this post. I still don't know what I want to say to you, but I feel now that there is a possibility of a connection in the future. This post seemed more true to 'Holly' than any other I have read, and as a result it meant something to me and I could identify with it. I *know* what it is to worry about your actions matching your ideals. I struggle with that routinely. I can identify.

I look forward to your posts going forward. I am glad your asking the hard questions, they needed to be asked.

I'll be reading.

Holly Golightly said...

Behold...he speaks!
oddly i was thinking about you yesterday when i posted this, wondering if you were still out there lurking.
Here's the dish...everything i posted here both now, or in the past, has been true to me at the time. I never set out to lie or spice things up...Its just that i think i was living in a world of make believe....and though it felt true, it wasn't. Like i said, party's over...time to clean up and that's the hard work.
thanks for your comment!


rage said...

No matter what you choose to do or whatever lifestyle you decide to live, I will still read your blog.

ReflexVE said...

To be clear, I never felt you were intentionally being dishonest or misrepresenting yourself. I just felt you were not necessarily aware of yourself, and if you are unaware, how can you be honest about the topic?

And of course I've been reading, you asked me to. But I wasn't going to comment until I had something to say that didn't come across as judgemental or just plain unhelpful.

Ron in Florida (Ronald10021) said...

What a great post....good luck trying to find the right balance....I look forward to blogging and chatting with you as you search for it, and know how you feel.