Tuesday, November 17, 2009

holly?


How did holly come to be?


Well, I have been thinking about my life and where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I got “here”. The past 4 years of my life would make a great mini-series or after school movie.
Once upon a time there was a wife, a husband, a little boy and a baby. They were all very happy until…..
*Queue the dramatic crescendo of music*
We put our house up for sale. We started looking for a new one. We finally sold our house, moved in with my parents and waited on our new home to be finished.
Sounds simple enough. Praise God that we had a place to go; that we weren’t homeless; that my parents were able to take us in. But somehow, someway that affected me. Maybe I felt like a teenager again living at home? Maybe I totally lost my identity because suddenly I wasn’t the Matron of the household any longer? I am really not sure, but I think that is where it started. Seeds had already been planted that now grew like Jack’s magic bean stalk.
There are a million things I could have done, maybe even should have done, but what I did do was spend a lot of time online trying to escape the life I was living.
It wasn’t that my parents were evil or unkind or unloving…I just snapped. I wanted out, but not really. Not like pack my bags, “go out for ice cream’ and never come back. Just to be someone different than who I was right then.
Time passed, I got deeper and deeper into life online. I even had a spread sheet of sorts at one point to keep up with all the “men” I was talking to. K knew what was going on. The only thing I credit myself for in all this is that I was always honest with him. I never hid things from him.
Eventually we moved into our new home. By this time I was so far in, that not only was I talking to men online, I was talking to them on the phone. (If I had been charging for my services, I could have made a little pocket money) I was in deep. One thing led to another and I begin to find the online BDSM community, and then the real life local one. I was hooked. I thought I had found the missing piece of my life.
There is one thing that you can say about me, and Holly: we are passionate. We jump in with both feet and never look back, or around, or forward. We just jump! (David Lee Roth would be so proud) I read and chatted, and asked questions. I had a few “online” D/s relationships. I was so hungry for it. I begged K to get on board. I threatened to “get what I needed” elsewhere if he wouldn’t support me. I acted like a two year old. I was consumed.
Time passed. K got more or less on board. I met M, a local Dom who was single and willing to work with “us”. That turned into more “me” than “us”, but we coasted along. K and I started attending the local BDSM group. We learned some things, met people…more people for ME to get involved with.
By this point, weather she had a name or not, Holly was running wild both online and in real life. She was passionate about men who cared very little for her. She gave her heart and soul to men who didn’t love her. She gave her time, her body; she was consumed.
Then the problems at home really started. I had been going to therapy for a while. K started going. We started going together. I knew that what I was doing needed to stop but I just wouldn’t give it up. I was too selfish. It was an addiction without a 12 step program. I am really good at justifying things.
Just after giving me a collar at Christmas 2 years ago, M met a woman and fell head over heels in love with her. By February he was telling me that we could only be friends. My heart was literally broken. Only three men in my life have ever hurt me so much. I was completely devastated. I think this was the beginning of the end.
Things went “downhill” from there. I tried to get involved with other men, but I had too much “baggage”, i.e. a husband who loved me and who I loved, and yet the need to be loved and wanted by another man.
I put myself out there and played with and got emotionally hurt by a few other men, and then one day I quit fighting. I did what I knew I needed to do all along. I started ‘disappearing”.
I deleted my fetlife and mydungeonspace accounts. We quit attending local events. I stepped away from blogging, or whining whichever you’d like to call it. I started to focus on what I actually had in my life instead of what I thought I was lacking. Weeks turned into months and I was amazed that NO ONE from the life I thought I so desperately needed had even bothered to notice that I was gone. Or if they did, they didn’t bother to contact me and see what was up or even say “hi”. I even posted on the MB for our local group….you could hear the crickets. It was like I hadn’t even existed.
Eventually I became disgusted with my past behavior. I started deleting old blogs. I didn’t want to be able to “romanticize” my insanity. I do have a fondness for the macabre and insane……..
It has been almost a year now since I really stepped back. K and I are happy. Happier than we have been in a long time. We still “play” on occasion. We’ve invested a lot of money into toys…hehehe. I still have D/s fantasies and I still love pain, but I realize it is not a ‘way of life’ for me. I am more bedroom kinky than lifestyle kinky. The idea of a weekend of D/s appeals to me, but hardcore 24/7, not so much.
There are days when I want to “jump” back in, and then I realize I am romanticizing the past, and I force myself to remember all the heartache and bad pain that was the reality. I know I am where God wants me. I know that He will be able to use what I have been through for good in His own time and in His own way. I have confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. I have also learned that I am not the only deviant in the congregation and there is love and acceptance for all. I am very blessed in my church family and in the friendships that God has allowed me there. No one is holier than thou, we are all sinners and all need God’s grace and redemption. I am resting in His arms until I am strong enough to stand and do the work He has for me.

6 comments:

Reflex said...

This is probably your best and most healthy blog post in this entire blog, and remember I read 90% of your old content before it was deleted.

I wish that most of the other blogs I read could step back from the keyboard, take a few months away from it all, and then see how important it still is to them. Chances are, not much, and the supposed friends they have made online they will find have forgotten them and moved on, virtually overnight.

You sound much healthier to me now. Much more centered and realistic. Especially in your refusal to romanticize the past. There is *nothing* wrong with 'bedroom kinky', but when the bedroom starts to take over a person's entire life, serious questions should and need to be asked.

You did the right thing. I'm happy for you. And yes, despite my lack of commenting, I've checked your blog daily for well over a year now, even when you posted nothing.

You may be one of the *very* few bloggers who has managed to actually get somewhere with your problems. For most, the blogosphere works to reinforce and amplify their issues, finding them fellow sufferers who, rather than providing support and assistance, instead provide justification and amplification of their problems and their increasingly immature methods of coping with them(yet oddly, never resolving them).

Great work. Thanks for sharing all of this.

Holly Golightly said...

thanks.
I do agree with you. And not just because you are "praising" me for where i am. You reiterated my thoughts in a less personal and possibly more conscise way.

I do appreciate you hangin' in there with me and reading the whole thing. I do sort of wish that i hadn't erased the whole thing, and if i recall you told me not to :) but it is probablly best that it is gone, too easy to romaticize with it hanging around.

xoxo

Reflex said...

There is no real reason for it to be kept. Its not really relevant anymore, its a phase you went through, and I think you've matured. Hanging on to it would be like those guys who romanticize their high school or college life to the point where the life they are living currently seems depressing and pale. They don't remember the girl problems(only the conquests), the late nights stressing over a final, the lack of money, the inability to be taken seriously by their peers or superiors, or any of the other aspects of being in that age that basically suck. As a result they cannot ever fully enjoy the fact that they found someone to spend their life with, that they have wonderful children, that they are respected in their field, have money for the necessities and fun, etc.

The past serves as a method of learning and preparation for the future, but living there is dangerous mentally.

I'm rambling, but seriously, I think you've handled this very well overall. You took a couple years off, had a bit of a midlife thing(even if your not quite there), your husband was patient and loving, and I think overall your relationship will improve since you survived this together.

I'm really happy for you.

Steel Horseman said...

I didn't find your blog soon enough to know the whole back story. I think this one post is enough though. Maybe someday I can find the peace with God that you have found. I would like that I think.

Holly Golightly said...

thanks for the comment. I do hope you find your place and peace with God. He wants you, and he is gracious and will wait. The question is, can you?

Dr. kold_kadavr_flatliner, MD, the Roamin' Cat said...

HooRay for you! You've gotta seed of faith... now, my suggestion, let it grow!! This ain't your 'normal' blog post; our salvation lays within these very words if you're wise enough to discern their nuanced metaphor --- Greetings, earthling. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s gonna be like for us: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most-extra-blatant-and-groovy, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Yummy-Reality-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, eternal-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-smmmokin’-hot-deal. YES! For God, anything and everything and more! is possible!! Cya soon...