holly?

How did holly come to be?


Well, I have been thinking about my life and where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I got “here”. The past 4 years of my life would make a great mini-series or after school movie.
Once upon a time there was a wife, a husband, a little boy and a baby. They were all very happy until…..
*Queue the dramatic crescendo of music*
We put our house up for sale. We started looking for a new one. We finally sold our house, moved in with my parents and waited on our new home to be finished.
Sounds simple enough. Praise God that we had a place to go; that we weren’t homeless; that my parents were able to take us in. But somehow, someway that affected me. Maybe I felt like a teenager again living at home? Maybe I totally lost my identity because suddenly I wasn’t the Matron of the household any longer? I am really not sure, but I think that is where it started. Seeds had already been planted that now grew like Jack’s magic bean stalk.
There are a million things I could have done, maybe even should have done, but what I did do was spend a lot of time online trying to escape the life I was living.
It wasn’t that my parents were evil or unkind or unloving…I just snapped. I wanted out, but not really. Not like pack my bags, “go out for ice cream’ and never come back. Just to be someone different than who I was right then.
Time passed, I got deeper and deeper into life online. I even had a spread sheet of sorts at one point to keep up with all the “men” I was talking to. K knew what was going on. The only thing I credit myself for in all this is that I was always honest with him. I never hid things from him.
Eventually we moved into our new home. By this time I was so far in, that not only was I talking to men online, I was talking to them on the phone. (If I had been charging for my services, I could have made a little pocket money) I was in deep. One thing led to another and I begin to find the online BDSM community, and then the real life local one. I was hooked. I thought I had found the missing piece of my life.
There is one thing that you can say about me, and Holly: we are passionate. We jump in with both feet and never look back, or around, or forward. We just jump! (David Lee Roth would be so proud) I read and chatted, and asked questions. I had a few “online” D/s relationships. I was so hungry for it. I begged K to get on board. I threatened to “get what I needed” elsewhere if he wouldn’t support me. I acted like a two year old. I was consumed.
Time passed. K got more or less on board. I met M, a local Dom who was single and willing to work with “us”. That turned into more “me” than “us”, but we coasted along. K and I started attending the local BDSM group. We learned some things, met people…more people for ME to get involved with.
By this point, weather she had a name or not, Holly was running wild both online and in real life. She was passionate about men who cared very little for her. She gave her heart and soul to men who didn’t love her. She gave her time, her body; she was consumed.
Then the problems at home really started. I had been going to therapy for a while. K started going. We started going together. I knew that what I was doing needed to stop but I just wouldn’t give it up. I was too selfish. It was an addiction without a 12 step program. I am really good at justifying things.
Just after giving me a collar at Christmas 2 years ago, M met a woman and fell head over heels in love with her. By February he was telling me that we could only be friends. My heart was literally broken. Only three men in my life have ever hurt me so much. I was completely devastated. I think this was the beginning of the end.
Things went “downhill” from there. I tried to get involved with other men, but I had too much “baggage”, i.e. a husband who loved me and who I loved, and yet the need to be loved and wanted by another man.
I put myself out there and played with and got emotionally hurt by a few other men, and then one day I quit fighting. I did what I knew I needed to do all along. I started ‘disappearing”.
I deleted my fetlife and mydungeonspace accounts. We quit attending local events. I stepped away from blogging, or whining whichever you’d like to call it. I started to focus on what I actually had in my life instead of what I thought I was lacking. Weeks turned into months and I was amazed that NO ONE from the life I thought I so desperately needed had even bothered to notice that I was gone. Or if they did, they didn’t bother to contact me and see what was up or even say “hi”. I even posted on the MB for our local group….you could hear the crickets. It was like I hadn’t even existed.
Eventually I became disgusted with my past behavior. I started deleting old blogs. I didn’t want to be able to “romanticize” my insanity. I do have a fondness for the macabre and insane……..
It has been almost a year now since I really stepped back. K and I are happy. Happier than we have been in a long time. We still “play” on occasion. We’ve invested a lot of money into toys…hehehe. I still have D/s fantasies and I still love pain, but I realize it is not a ‘way of life’ for me. I am more bedroom kinky than lifestyle kinky. The idea of a weekend of D/s appeals to me, but hardcore 24/7, not so much.
There are days when I want to “jump” back in, and then I realize I am romanticizing the past, and I force myself to remember all the heartache and bad pain that was the reality. I know I am where God wants me. I know that He will be able to use what I have been through for good in His own time and in His own way. I have confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness. I have also learned that I am not the only deviant in the congregation and there is love and acceptance for all. I am very blessed in my church family and in the friendships that God has allowed me there. No one is holier than thou, we are all sinners and all need God’s grace and redemption. I am resting in His arms until I am strong enough to stand and do the work He has for me.

Autumn greetings

There are times when you reflect on the past year. The fall seems to be that for me.

Wow. It has been a long time since i've relied on this space to vent or to give me what i need. I feel a bit like a ghost. It is almost as if Holly doesn't exist anymore.

except , she does.

she's still there. i ignore her most of the time. She really gets me in trouble. She makes me hurt. She makes people i love hurt. She fucks things up. She's my doppelganger.

She still wants to see OKB (one knotty boy)....she knows that would hurt her. Even thinking about him hurts. She is certain that he does not think of her. She was nothing to him. Not even a friend really. A flavor of the week. a quickly passing fancy. That's it. forgotten. shrug. reality hurts.

There are days...usually when its quiet at home....that i let my mind drift away from reality. Away from responsibility. Away from "real life". I still dream of all the kinky little things that really turn me on.....but now, when i do, I am haunted by the fact that reality is NOT like my fantasies. Not to mention, trying to make my fantasies a reality is insane and hurtful.

i am actually doing very well, if you were wondering.

life is full of family and friends and plenty of creativity these days. I am focusing on more than my sex drive and the wild imagination that fuels it.

xoxoxoxo

holly

not DOA

i know you have surely written me off as dead.
I am not. I am living in the real world right now. A world that keeps me busy with things other than blogging.

I hope you are all well.
K. and i have stepped back a bit and redirected our relationship. Closed it off a bit where it was once more of an open or revolving door. things are good. I am happier actually now.

happy fall!

xoxo
holly

note

Ok, so i am alive.
I am kickin'
and real life has me too busy to be postin' here much at all. I guess you may have noticed that much on your own.

just wanted to say hi...and that perhaps once school starts back, i'll be around here more. Being a full time cruise director is well....a full time job, so no blogs here.

xoxo
holly

my name is holly....

HI

my name is Holly


i weight 235 pounds and i don't quite know how that happened.

obviously i should exercise and quit eating.


but i am addicted to food.

it is my comfort.

it is where i turn to make me feel better.

i've been in therapy for it.

it helped for a while, but i've gone "off the wagon" so to speak


today...i am taking my kids to the zoo. It's over 90 degrees here. and humid.
i am wearing jeans because none of my shorts fit me.
I thought i could wear a knit pair, but they looked like i should be at walmart shopping, not at the zoo with my kids.

that depressed me.
even though i knew it before i even put them on.

I am eating berries and yogurt...my breakfast.
having a pity party.

just needed to vent.

hope you are well.


xoxo
holly

some days...

all you want to do is stay in bed and cry.


i have those days...not sure what triggers them or why i have them or even really what they are about.

Anyone else have those days?


xoxo
holly

What's been going on in Holly 's Head...or somthing like the BIG announcement!

Ok, here goes...


I took a break from blogging during Lent.
It was good for me, just what i needed. Right after i came back, there was a short series of things that happened that made me realize that i wasn't fully ready to be back. I'm still not sure.

I am sure it's not a secret to any of you who "know" me that i am an attention whore and have a very addictive personality. I'm not proud of it, but it's who i am and i have to accept it.
So blog land works for me. I give you what you want, and you adore me. I can walk away, or give you more, whatever i am in the mood for. Some of you i grew QUITE attached to. Too attached.

It became more and more blatantly obvious to me that i needed to take a huge step back from the roller coaster that i had invented and been calling my life. I needed to refocus on what was really important to me. My faith, my family, my spirituality, my health, my sanity and peace of mind. I quit blogging. I quit reading blogs. {and shockingly i survived} I deleted my MDS and FETLIFE accounts. I quit talking to anyone who was solely a BDSM/sexual outlet for me .

So here i am. i have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from horny sex kitten to grumpy frigid housewife. This didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I have spent so much time "being good" and focusing on things that were lacking in my life...that i've forgotten to be human.

There has to be a balance and i have to find it.





a few weeks ago I asked K if he would "beat me." It had been a while. We stopped going to events because we had decided that 1) it wasn't the best use of our money these days 2) me parading myself around naked in front of people wasn't exactly inline with what we felt was Right for us (our faith) 3) i am greedy and didn't want to pay to attend an event and WATCH people play and not be able to play myself. 4) Also, it's very hard for me to be in THAT particular situation and NOT WANT to be with someone else too....which again is fundamentally against what we believe. {I have continually struggled with what i believe to be "right" and how i have behaved over the past few years...but that is another post}

Ok, back to the POINT!
I asked K to beat me and he did, and he didn't do ANYTHING wrong...but i went into a bad place. Suddenly i had all these feelings resurface....feelings i didn't want. thoughts of other men with whips...thoughts of other men touching me and kissing me...and it hurt to have those thoughts.
I know what you are thinking...they are just thoughts...so what?! But it's not that simple. I am TIRED of being a hypocrite! I have to live what i believe is right, otherwise, why believe it? and it is hurtful to my sanity and to the relationship i have with K for me to be involved like that with others. I have denied it and prettied it up and justified it for long enough! The party is over and i have to clean up now.
Needless to say, the event didn't produce what either of us was hoping for and it left me feeling all weird and depressed, which i know can be the result of a good beating. At least in my case...it causes things to surface that i have been stuffing down. It's what i imagine doing drugs to be like...sometimes you have a bad trip. And that bad trip has caused me not to want to take the ride again. I think it has even scared me away from sex because i am too scared of where my head will go. Once we got past that evening, I have just ignored what happened. I guess i need to go back there and examine it more closely....see what it is trying to tell me. perhaps i just need to let those feelings out..work through them and then i can be free of them. Quit stuffing them in and quit being afraid of them...let them go and see what's on the other side................


xoxo
holly

holly in hiding...or what's going on?

Hey ya'll.
Nope, i am not dead.
Not run off the Internet.
Just busy as a bee at pollen time...
AND my computer has been MIA for the past three weeks...and is still gone.
Hope to get it back soon and spread some Holly around for you all to love.
Hope you are all well.
drop me a line sometime at hollyg1973@yahoo.com let me know how you are!
xoxox
holly

bleh

ok so i know you are waiting for my
'Big announcement.....but i am just sort of in a funk and depressed. just not feeling it right now....


xoxo
holly

The Future's so bright....I've gotta wear shades.

Hey out there.

I have been kicking some things around in my head now for a while...really for a LONG while...but more so lately.

I have deleted almost all of my past blog entries, i hope you read what you wanted before i axed them. you were warned.

Stay tuned for a big announcement coming soon.

xoxo

holly

When anon isn't really anon...anymore

I have a couple of blogs rolling around in my head.

Things that could be really good discussion starters.

Only if i blog them, "they" will know. And be upset.

When people who read your blog are involved in your life, it sort of limits you. It doesn't matter if they started out here, and moved into your life, or moved from your life into your blog, i've got it both ways, its a mess.

You have to watch what you say. you can't vent. Well, you can, but not about them or they will get offended. I'd imagine if Hubman and Veronica had a really bad date with fellow bloggers, we'd never hear about it. It just wouldn't be right somehow.

It's not even that i have anything "bad" to say...its just that now my venting spot has become contaminated. I don't want to hurt feelings or ruin relationships by blogging the wrong thing. Back in the day of M i use to get in all sorts of trouble with him for making him look like an ass in my blog...well, if the shoe fits...

but seriously, he wasn't a blogger. There was no danger of anyone finding out who he was. You just can't safely blog about bloggers....or blog about people who read your blog in general. Someone will get hurt or take it wrong or something.

So in lieu of the blogs i'd like to blog...here's a blog about the bizarre-ness of not being able to blog due to your audience. Anyone else ever experienced this?

happy Thursday.

holly

xoxo

stuff

so i said i wasn't going to blog everyday....oh well .

So i have issues with anxiety. i tend to be very anxious. Anxiety is a very uncomfortable feeling for me so i try to avoid it when possible. Not that i can really control being anxious, but i do things to numb the feeling of it. I use to smoke. so i would chain smoke when i was anxious about something.
But i finally quit smoking, except for a few social situations, so that's out. Even when i did smoke, i was a closet smoker so i couldn't always rely on that to help ease my anxiety. My other drug of choice is food. I've noticed when i am anxious about things, i tend to eat by the hand fulls. M&Ms, nuts, Jelly Beans, chocolate chips, potato chips, whatever i can get my hands on and if it is crunchy all the better.
As the anxiety continues, the more hand fulls i eat. the more i eat, the worse i feel, even though it does alleviate some of the anxiety.
Part of the problem is that i am a talker. I like to talk things out. Its how i process. Maybe that is why i blog. Its talking to me. getting my ideas out there so i can look at them and process them. however i still don't like to feel them so i stuff them down with food. i bury them because i can't sit with them.
I need to invite them in and sit them down to tea. Maybe they would tell me what i need to know and then move on. Maybe i wouldn't feel them like a knot in my chest and a lump in my throat if i was more familiar with my uncomfortable emotions.

Back to anxiety and me...i know there are times when i have to wait. Things i can't control. People who need time and space. People who are *gasp* different than I am. People who deal differently. I know there are answers i don't want to hear and realities i don't want to face. It's part of life and i have to find healthier ways to deal, right?

xox
holly

can't leave well enough alone.

ok, first day back and this is my second post. shrug. i have to vent and have no one to vent to.

first i'd like to say that i hate it when i think i am doing the right thing...and pushing and pushing and groping and trying my best to resolve an issue....and end up only making it worse because i should have just said what i had to say and left it alone.

you know who you are. If you read this, i am sorry. i am honestly not a stalker and i hope i haven't come on so strong that you decide you don't want me around.

i can't stand the anxiety that i have in the pit of my stomach and the lump in my throat. Why do things affect me this way? What's up with that? this should NOT be such an issue for me...but they are my feelings and i have to own them, feel them, hear what they are trying to tell me and then let them go.

sigh.
xox
holly

Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your Holly here!

Did you think I'd come back? Well, here i am, as promised, back after Easter! I hope the bunny was good to you and yours!

How have you been? Is anyone still out there listening? I know there were a ton of blogs closing down about the time i went on hiatus so I'm not sure who's still around.

I had planned, upon my return, to do a recap post. I have decided against that. Most of the history is still there in the archives if you are so inclined, if not, welcome to my new place!

I say "most of it" because I have deleted some, and plan on deleting more. It has served its purpose and i am ready to say good-bye to a lot of it. Time to move on.

Here I am, post lent. What's changed? What have i learned?

Well for starters, I have learned there is more to life than blogging. I can in fact survive without you, and since my in box hasn't been crowded with pleas to return, you guys do quite well without me too.

I'll be blogging again here and there, but not everyday. I've decided that airing all my dirty laundry here isn't what's best for me right now.

I have been spending more time with Daddy lately and that has been great. I also have gotten to know Shad and Belle, from his blog The Shadow, Dom, sub and her, and they are really great. I guess they popped my blogger cherry because K and i met them along with all our kiddies for an afternoon of shopping insanity at IKEA. We all had fun and are hoping to be able to get together again before too long, maybe even with out the kids. Woo hoo!

In other news, daddy and i have our 10 year anniversary coming up on the 24th of this month. We had been planning a BIG trip this summer with friends, but that got cancelled for a number of reasons and now we are looking at doing a road trip instead. Honestly, i think i am more excited about the road trip than i was about leaving the country. Besides, it will help the economy more *grin* if we stay in the USA. We are in the process of finalizing our plans now, but are looking at a departure date of July 11.

a funny thing that happened on our trip to see Shad and Belle, they passed a place, but sadly couldn't get a picture, on their way to meet us called Tiffany's Adult Entertainment. I nearly lost it when they said the sign read "no breakfast, no diamonds". Really, how cute is that?

hope you have a good week!

Holly

What's up here?

I have been thinking a lot in the past few days about what to do and where to go with this blog. It is mine so I reason I can go anywhere I want with it … and if you don’t like it, then you are certainly not obligated to read it, right?

I feel that I have been sharing too much of myself…or maybe just too much of the wrong parts of myself, here. K knows what I write, and has never openly expressed anything negative about it…but I am beginning to feel like maybe I should keep parts of OUR life, between us. More private. Not just out there for the “whole world” to read.

This is sounding oddly like lalana’s post in her own blog.

I feel as if I have given too much, way too much of my life, and my time to this blog and blogsphere. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, but there have been days, more than I’d like to admit, where I have spent literally hours pouring over blogs, reading, commenting, and writing myself.

Oddly it has been easy for me to talk about my sex life here, but I think it will be much harder for me to talk about my demons. The ones I am struggling with on a daily, or almost daily, basis.

I realized that the season of Lent is upon us. There are traditionally forty days in Lent which are marked by fasting and other acts of penance. The three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent are prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. In my traditon some people give up a vice of theirs, add something that will bring them closer to God, and often give the time or money spent doing that to charitable purposes or organizations. I have been mulling over what to give up. What I can give up that would be meaningful, not giving up something like hang gliding …which is what my Grandfather always said he gave up!
I have decided to give up blogging here for Lent. Use that time to get back on track with my family and my life. I have quite the obsessive personality, and it’s time for me to step back and reorganize my priorities.
I may check in on your blogs here and there, but not daily as I have done in the past and when I come back after Easter, I will have a summary blog for you that recounts the past two? three? years here for my new readers as well as some idea of the “new” direction of this blog!
Happy Lent and Happy Easter!
xoxo
holly

you people!

first...do you understand "maybe"???? its a hiatus...for a bit. don't give up ..i'll be back in some form...Keep a weather eye out!

and Becca had a good point..i hate unfinished business, hmpf! so here you go:

Day 20...i love Rob Bell...google him if you need to..he rocks!

Day 21...I love Sage and all his straight talkin'...especially the politics

Day 22...I love those of you who have become friends to me and not mere comments.

Day 23...I love pizza.

Day 24...I love my house. It is all but perfect and I am so happy and lucky to have it.

Day 25...I love SM and the marks it leaves *grin*

Day 26...i love my BFF who i could NOT make it though life without. She knows everything about me, maybe even more than i have figured out about myself yet.

Day 27...I love that my kids are at their grandparents almost every Friday night!

Day 28...In the words of Toby Keith "i love this bar...its my kinda place." only instead of bar, it's this blogsphere and the people i've been touched by.

that's the end of the DOL.

xoxo

holly

is this the end?

Maybe.


i love you all. i love blogging and i love the flirting and attention. i love reading about you and hearing your tales.

however, i have to step away.
Being here is not helping the reality of my marriage.
Being here is not helping me want sex any less, which is what i have to do now. I have to do what is best for him and for our marriage. I have to find the path that leads back to where i was three years ago. Mostly sexless.

I think that is the only way i can survive. Wanting things i cannot have hurts too much. hoping things will change is insanity. I am sure i'll be back but i dont know how or when.

take care and i wish you all the happiness and great sex in the world!

xoxo
holly

therapy stuff

ok so if you do more than look at the photos here you know i am in therapy. Tons of it. I really should be scary and damaged, but i really am not, i just got sick of my life being how it was and decided i needed to get off my ass and do something about it.

(yay go me!)

ok so my most recent "class" is about eating and food disorders. I was reading today and came across this. I thought it was very powerful so i wanted to share it and maybe someone out there will read it and it will help them out. Oddly this is from Marthaswewart.com first published may 2008. Here goes:

At the heart of Cameron's classes is a technique called "morning pages," in which you rise early and write three longhand pages of absolutely anything -no thinking, no worrying, no dieting. Although Cameron instructs her students to write freely, she says people often use morning pages as an emotional outlet, one they were accustomed to finding in food. "you take a look at your fear, anxiety, and nervousness directly instead of eating something to squelch it, " she says. "you don't need to focus on it; it will just come up. Morning pages are remarkable in how they get to the underside of what's bothering you. "

And the more you give voice to your emotions, the less you'll need food to keep your real feelings quiet. "When you do morning pages, " says Cameron, "you start to take your likes and dislikes a little more seriously. It helps with speaking your mind."

uncomfortable

i am uncomfortably numb. actually not so numb but filled with the emotions that i don't deal well with . The ones i usually stuff down and ignore with food. The ones i deny. I don't even know their names i have run from them so often. I do know how they feel. sort of empty and hollow in my gut...i guess that is why i want to eat, to try and fill that spot.

is it frustration? desperation? loneliness? depression? i'm not sure. what is it that this emotion is trying to tell me? if i don't eat to cover it up, then what do i do? how do i deal with this feeling?

i don't like it. Its uncomfortable.

Sixteen things about me. Right now.

1. I still have a sick kid. She gets better and then worse. i can't plan anything because i don't know from day to day what's going to happen. This makes me crazy.

2. I desperately need to get my hair dyed again but ...see number 1!

3. I have watched Mulan two times today in bed with my sick kid. Girls rock!

4. I had a GREAT night with K on Friday night...and he is amazing.

5. i am making Tacos for dinner.

6. I have a few blogger friends who i really like...you make me smile everyday!

7. I love Coke Zero. I love it too much.

8. My house is a wreck and i need to be getting things ready for various projects...but i am just not motivated and ...sick kid wants me in bed with her all day...its not a hard sell.

9. I see way too much Hannah Montana and Suite life for a person who is 35!

10. I love Alice in Wonderland and Sleeping Beauty.

11. I am bored.

12. i have nothing to say.

13. Why is this so hard?

14. How do the 100 things about me people do this?

15. It is almost time for me to do carpool...yeehaw!

16. I miss my Daddy. Is it time for him to be home yet?